New Beginnings

Taking Chances

2012-01-31T20:39:00.004-06:00

Life is about taking chances...

Right?

I feel like if you don't take chances, and take that leap that is solely based on faith...

Then you may always look back and wonder why.

I don't think that I ever really used to take chances, I mean, it seemed at the time that I did. But looking back I see now that they weren't as big as I thought.

Or maybe they were,

Its just that once I took it, I saw it wasn't as bad as the one in front of me.

Make sense?

Yeah, probably not.

Anyways. . . My point is, life is about taking chances.

Grabbing the bull by the horns.

You gotta do it. And it really is true what they say.

What is the absolute worst that can happen? When you think of the absolute worst answer, it really isn't that bad, you think you can live through it, if it came true. But sometimes the reality can be more painful...

And that's what holds us back.

The fear of what reality could be.

But I think that more often then not, the reality could be exactly what we want, but the fear holds us back from venturing there, and taking that leap.

... But if you want something, whatever it is ... it should be bigger than the fear of what you could lose. Otherwise you may always just sit back and wonder.

Because its based on faith, hope, love. There is nothing concrete to tell us everything will be okay.

But the bottom line is... (and this is my absolute favorite quote by ... I do not remember who)

"Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay, then its not the end."

I moved halfway across the country, based on a leap of faith. And let me tell you I had not ONE clue how I was going to manage.

But somehow I did. And even as some days seemed to get worse and worse, they just got better and better.. I just didn't see it at the time.

The worst thing that could have happened to me was that I couldn't find a job, place to live, ran out of money, and had to move back home.

But I made it. I DID IT!

I took a chance, ran on faith, hope, and love, and somehow came out the other side alive.

And that's not the only thing. I find myself taking chances now that I would have NEVER taken in the past.

In fear of what I thought reality could be, and in fear of the "absolute worst result".

And I surprise myself, and I am sure I would be surprising a lot of other people as well.

Its all about letting everything go, and just taking a chance.

Thought of the day:

"In order for you to succeed,
Your desire for success should be greater,
Than your fear of failure."

- Bill Cosby -

Stress Free Stress

2012-01-15T12:22:00.002-06:00

I find myself...

Happy.

I had a conversation with my brother when I seemed to be at my worst... And if it wasn't my worst then it was surely close.

We talked about a few things, and one of them was that if you want something, truly want something then you need to make that your goal.

The thing is however, you don't have to have a road map on how to get there.

You just need to write it down, or tuck it away in the back of your mind and every once in a while bring it back to surface.

My goal was to be happy.

Simple as that. I didn't have a clue as to how I was going to get there, what steps I had to take.

But the point was that you don't have to have a way to get there. Once you set your goal, just continue to live your life and it'll just seem to work its way there.

It's not that I wasn't happy before, its just that going thru some things, processing, starting over seems to take a toll on you and it takes some time to figure everything out.

Once I set my goal, its like the universe lined everything up together and things just started to work in my favor.

Its amazing how once you leave things be, they finally come together.

Whats even more amazing is that my stress and anxiety doesn't come from the same place that it used to. . .

And that is an amazing relief.

Its no longer about abuse, the church I left, trying to figure out where I go from here...

Now my stress is more along the lines of what a 21 year old's stress SHOULD be coming from.

Things like boys. Or boy. Singular.

And what jeans look cuter for the cheaper price. . .

Which movie would be better to go see, or will I regret staying out this late when I have to work in the morning. . .

Its stress that is stress free...

And put all that aside...

I find myself confident.

Confident in myself, with my decisions, choices, and life.

The funny thing about confidence is that if it takes a few hard hits, it tends to go away.

But it is possible for it to re-surface.

And once it does... There really is no stopping.

Thought of the day

"The greatest pleasure in life,
is doing what people say you cannot do."

- Walter Bagehot -

People

2012-01-10T21:19:00.003-06:00

In my personal opinion ... (again, not to confuse with professional)

People are trusting by nature. I mean if you think about it, since day one you trust your parents, siblings, family, friends, teachers, neighbors... and the list goes on.

But as you start to get older people start to let you down. Because we are all human, and that's just they way that life works.

Naturally, usually, you start to put up a wall or a bridge or something to help keep you safe from being let down, disappointment, or being burned.

But sometimes someone sneaks through and is able to take your trust and then throw it back in your face.

And THEN, you put on your shocked face.

I mean, it happened before, its happening now, (hypothetically speaking) and its going to happen again in the future. But for some reason we as people just don't see it coming.

Or maybe its that we don't WANT to see it coming. Because we worked so hard at protecting ourselves...

So when I think about this more... its almost like... if I can't protect myself... then who can?

So we are just floored when someone turns out to be not so nice...

But.. the more I think about this... the more I am thinking...

I mean, I feel like that as people we do the same thing when the opposite is true.

When someone is trustworthy, or turns out to be rather nice, we are floored.

Again.

Hold on... let me get my shocked face again...

But that makes me sad in all reality. Because shouldn't we expect the most from everyone? Shouldn't we expect people to treat us right from the beginning? Buuut... then that takes me back.

Because we started off expecting that from day one, then people started to let us down.

Okay it makes sense... but its kind of a vicious circle.

I don't know if I should even be using the word "people" and "we" because I am just one person... and I can only speak for myself.

But I've been told recently that its noticeable that I was raised right.

(Props ma n' pa)

And I think I have to agree... I mean, it's really pretty simple.

Do your best. Treat people right. Be nice. Tell the truth. Work hard.

I think that's about the gist of it... But sometimes I don't think its that simple for everyone... But really, its just back to the basics...

And if everyone went back to the basics... I think the world would be a better place.

Annnnd that's my long winded two cents that I am sure doesn't make much sense.

Thought of the day:

"Don't wait for people to be kind,
Show them how."

-Author Unknown-

2012-01-09T21:34:00.002-06:00

There are a lot of things that I want to start doing again.

Like reading... I have a rather large collection of books that I read and re-read. And ones I have never touched but eventually do get around to.

Or playing the piano more. I really want to learn more music and I guess just continue to teach myself how to play better.

Or there are things that I want to start to do. Because I have never done them before.

Like photography. I "feel" like I could be good at it... But that's just a feeling... I tend to get those sometimes. And sometimes I am just not quite right.

USUALLY... I do these things in the winter months because it's cold, and snowy, and no one ever wants to go outside...

But it's warm here. All the time.

Don't let these Texans fool you. It's really not cold here.

Anywho...

Back to doing things...

I want to get into photography, just on the side as a hobby. But I have a few fears...

One. I may buy a nice expensive camera and then never use it.

Two. Start taking pictures and find out that I really should have just stuck with my regular camera because the pictures really aren't that different.

Three. I will be just plain horrible at it.

But the thing is I cannot let my fear hold me back. . . If I suck at it, then I will just sell my camera.

OR... I could take classes and become better. Learn, and become an expert.

I am not an expert. On anything.

And this isn't just about photography. Its about life basically.

I am not an expert. Altho I truly wish I was some days.

I mean, I can't take classes on life. But maybe that's what life is. One big class. One big lesson.

School wasn't all that boring anyways. I can take it.

But I guess if I am trying to make a point it is this...

No one is really an expert on anything. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in life seems to be trial and error. You try one thing one way, and if it's and epic fail, then you try another way... or give up.

Sometimes, okay most of the time, I usually do not know, nor can I picture the outcome of something when I head into it.

AND, if I THINK I can see the outcome I am usually WAAY off base by the time I actually get there.

And oh my gosh... I just love it.

Life just keeps getting better and better.

Thought of the day

" I'm an idealist.
I don't know where I'm going,
but I'm on my way."

- Carl Sandburg -

The Sea...

2012-01-08T18:02:00.005-06:00

I think I fell in love this weekend.

Its a new relationship...

I want to see where it goes... But I have high hopes for us.

Maybe I can even move in soon...

I am really ready to drop everything and move on down to the sea.

(I know I am so corny :)) I love it tho!)

Back in August or September when we went to the beach for the day it was truly amazing.

But this time... spending the whole weekend there, waking up to the sound of the waves crashing on the beach...

The slight fog that is covering the beach...

The shells that are spread across the sand, never ending.

There is just something about the sea... It is so therapeutic.

I will most definitely be going back there this weekend. Its an affair I want to continue.

And I have pretty much become addicted to shelling. . .

Once I started, I just couldn't stop... And I would look behind me and cant even see where my spot on the beach was.

And that sun! HOLY WHA!

I am sure that people thought we were absolutely nuts for swimming around in there in January... But hey, we're from the north so really we don't know any better.

But really, the gulf was so much warmer than I have ever felt in Lake Michigan. Ever.

I even got sunburn on my face. And I truly cannot complain.

Thought of the day

"Try to learn something about everything
and everything about something."

-Thomas Henry Huxley-

A New Year...

2012-01-02T21:49:00.004-06:00

Bringing in the new year I feel so much hope... and I truly feel like this year is going to be amazing.

It may not be...

But I just have this feeling and I cannot shake it.

I seriously feel like this year is going to be packed with so much opportunity and new chances...

New beginnings...

If I look back at this past year I cannot say that I am displeased.

I've learned a lot about people this past year... and I sure have learned a whole lot about myself.

I have taken a major shift in my life and I sometimes do not recognize myself... and I can also see the person I have always been.

I find myself surprising me ... not realizing the strength I have had all along.

I have learned to say what I truly feel... I have learned to not let people walk over me... or belittle me... I have learned to set up boundaries and have learned to let people in.

What the biggest thing is for me... Is that I know that if I can do this... I can do anything.

If I am able to start completely over... in a new part of the country, not really knowing anyone, find a job, find friends, and find myself...

Then there really isn't anything that I cannot do.

So here is my goodbye to last year...

And my hello to this year.

I mean... There were times this past year, when all I wanted to do was give up... But I didn't, and I see now that just made me all the stronger.

So quite frankly, whatever this year has in store for me I am ready.

Hell, I am so excited.

Bring. It. On.

"Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew"

-Michelle Branch-

Me

2011-12-14T21:20:00.004-06:00

I cannot change who I am.

Even when I want to.... Or when I think I have changed.

I cannot do it.

It pretty much seems impossible.

I've thought that for some time now that part of me was gone. That part of me... my personality... who I was, was lost when I walked away.

That maybe I wasn't who I thought I was...

Maybe I was just trying my damndest to fit in. Stretching and reaching and making up parts of me that weren't really me?

And then....

I laughed again.

And I mean I really really laughed.

And it felt like the sun was shining through every part of my being.

I felt like I was woken up from a looong sleep.

And then it happened again.

And more and more I am starting to really feel alive again. I really cannot tell you how exhilarating it is.

Maybe I am who I am.

Maybe I am who I always thought I was.

Maybe I am that bubbly, happy, positive, usually always smiling person.

It just took me some time to find her again...

And man....

Am I glad that I did.

Thought of the day:

"Your vision will become clear
Only when you look into your heart.
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens."

- Carl Jung -

Moving Forward

2011-12-01T17:42:00.002-06:00

Here is where I am at right now.

I am moving forward. I am trying to move on and heal from the past.

I have made mistakes. I have hurt people. I have pushed people out.

I have been pushed out. I have been neglected and neglectful.

I was recently asked the question... Do you feel an emptiness now that you have left the church?

Do I feel an emptiness?

From going to church every sunday, bible class every wednesday, song services one saturday a month, fall services, spring services, holiday services, countless weddings, showers, baptisms...

To nothing?...

Yeah. How could you not?

But the thing is, the emptiness and the sadness I may feel is mostly me missing the times when I didn't know about all the secrets and the lies and the games.

When the biggest problem in my life was what I was supposed to wear to kyds.

The innocent part of me that never wanted anything to change. The part of me that thought and KNEW what my life would be like until the day I die.

So in moving forward... I ask myself what is next...

I am not quite sure.

That kind of scares me and kind of doesn't.

As this year draws to a close I look back and I wouldn't have guessed it to have turned out this way.

No regrets tho. Every step brings you to where you are supposed to be right?

Maybe I will travel, maybe I will get a degree. Maybe I will become a doctor... (Ive been watching to much Grey's Anatomy lately)...

Maybe I will stop blogging...

Maybe I will continue to and it will just go the way it goes.

I just don't know.

But where I am at right now, I want to continue to work on me, and I want to continue to grow, and learn, and heal, and move forward.

This post for some reason is sounding like a goodbye to me... Its not meant to be...

But maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I don't have any plans.

I just continue to move forward.

Thought of the day:

"We keep moving forward,
Opening new doors, and doing new things,
Because we're curious and curiosity keeps
Leading us down new paths."

-Walt Disney-

Curve Balls

2011-11-26T22:15:00.002-06:00

I find myself in these "moods" sometimes.

Where I can't seem to figure out what I am doing

Where I am going

What my goal is. Or what my purpose is.

It can be kind of dragging sometimes, and sometimes it really gets to me.

But the thing is, nothing is really forever.

This too shall pass.

And it does.

The funny thing is tho, lately....

I've been thrown a curve ball. And then another one.

And I feel like it can't be true. It can't be right.

There's GOTTA be a mistake. But maybe its not a mistake.

Maybe life is just giving me a few curve balls ... And thats it.

There is nothing more to it. Ive made my choices, and I am living my life, and what will come will come.

And it really is surprising the heck out of me!

This isn't what I expected, but then again, 2 years ago I wouldn't have expected to be where I am at now.

I am really great full for all that I have in my life. Being thanksgiving just passed I feel the need to touch on this for a moment.

I really am thankful to have successfully moved to Texas, and found a job and a home for me and my sisters.

I am really thankful for my family and support group that I have with me.

And I am thankful for lifes curve balls...

The random, doesn't make any sense, this really cannot be true, amazing curve balls.

I am going to continue to try this....

This going with the flow, and see what else gets thrown my way.

Thought of the day:

"You are never too old
To set another goal or
Dream a new dream."

- C.S. Lewis -

11.11.11

2011-11-11T22:10:00.003-06:00

"They" say today is a lucky day.

The luckiest day of the century.

OR maybe that was just me saying that....

I at least heard on the radio that days like today... since they are so rare... is when you should sit down and make goals for yourself.

Kind of like a new years resolution but more meaningful I guess.

I didn't do that.

I usually would have. And I was going to do that. I have in the past.

But today I didn't.

Really... the reason is, is because I have been going through some "stuff" you could call it. And in going through my stuff... I've sort of realized that it really doesn't matter if I make a goal out of it or not.

I do not have expectations.

I can only live my life how I live it... and let everything happen organically.

(I've heard that said several times.. and I am taking it over.. I love how right and true that is.. To let things happen organically.)

The problem with me is. If I set a goal... I expect right away for it to happen.

Magically.

Like someone is standing behind a curtain (or in my head) and snaps their fingers and BAM.

Goal achieved.

It doesn't work that way. For me at least.

So. In living my life, and letting things happen organically... I will understand what I am supposed to understand when it is my time to do so.

I will be where I am supposed to be when it is my time to do so.

I will achieve what I am supposed to achieve when it is my time to do so.

Just. As. Long. As. I. Work. For. It.

Nothing gets handed to me.

So in working for me.. for my life.. what is to come will happen organically when it is supposed to.

So is it the luckiest day of the century?

Should I have made a list of my goals to achieve? To become a better me?

I don't think so.

.....

But then again...

I did get off of work a whole hour early today.

So what do I know?

Thought of the day:

"There is no chance,
No destiny,
No fate,
That can circumvent
Or hinder or control
The firm resolve of a determined soul. "

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox -
:))

Stand in the Cold

2011-11-05T22:28:00.004-05:00

I've been smoking since I was 15 years old.

It started off as a social thing, then turned into an addiction.

Its kind of funny, how something so bad for you, can also help save you. Or me.

This isn't about smoking, I know I should quit.. Just stay with me on this one.

A lot of times, late at night, I will go outside and have a smoke, and sit and chat on the phone, or I will just sit and ponder life and my existence... and what it all means.

Some of those long hour phone conversations were the best and most "saving" conversations of my life.

And some of the nights, where I just sit and enjoyed my smoke and the evening, are the times where I have the biggest realizations about myself, and life as I see it.

There is this thing with lizards down here.

Maybe they are salamanders or something else... but they are everywhere.

They are really intriguing creatures and I just sit and watch them some nights.

Once, I even saw one catch a moth, and fight another lizard for it. . . Pretty amazing.

Anywho...

The thing that I've noticed about them, is that when it is a nice warm night, they are out and about and all over the brick walls of the outside of the house.

I've noticed however, that it is getting colder out now, and the lizards aren't out as much as they were in the summertime.

So I was sitting out tonight, enjoying my smoke, and I saw a lizard on the brick, almost where the house and the ground meet... And it was slowly crawling out of the crack in the wall.

It is really a beautiful warm evening, with just a tiny bite in the air.

But that bite is just enough.

When the wind picked up just a little bit, the lizard raced back into its hole away from the cold.

Down the brick a little ways, there was another lizard racing to get back into its hole as well...

And I know they are lizards, and they like the heat, and its in their nature to be in warmer places... but still...

A thought hit me...

Like the old saying goes "If you cant take the heat...."

They can't take the cold.

When things get a little tough, they scatter. Back to where they came from, back to their hole.

I realized, I can take the heat. I can take the cold

I do not want to have to run back to my hole. I want to be able to stand and take whatever comes my way.

Even if it is scary, even if it means I have to dig deeper into myself, and go places I've been avoiding for who knows how long.

If I've been wrong, or I have hurt people, (and I have) I want to be able to own that and apologize for that instead of scattering because it becomes to much to handle, or because it is
easier to hide.

I am ready to stand in the cold....

I am ready to take the heat....

I am ready to see where else I can go.

Thought of the day:

"I,

not events,

have the power

to make me happy

or unhappy today."

- Groucho Marx -

Karma

2011-11-01T22:00:00.003-05:00

I like debates.

Sometimes I love debates.

I had a very intense, amazing, and very eye opening conversation the other day.

The love part mostly depends on the topic. . . Politics.. no.

Other stuff.. well....

Karma? Yes.

There was more to this conversation. A lot more. Stuff with energy, not the light bulb kind of energy... the physical, spiritual kind of energy. There was also a lot of talk about meant to be, and fate, and whether things are just what they are... or if there is more to it than that.

For now, lets just stick with karma... you'll see why...

Kar-ma
noun

1.Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti (def. 1), jnana.

2.Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

3.fate; destiny. Synonyms: predestination, predetermination, lot, kismet.

4.the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something: Lets get out of here. This place has bad karma.

I do believe in karma. Really I do.

I think that what you put out into the universe will come back to you. Good or bad, either way... sooner or later your actions will be justified.

Definition number three of karma. Fate. Destiny. or... aka... meant to be.

I do think that they are hand in hand, and when I looked it up, dictionary.com seems to think so as well. :))

And if you think about the energy that you naturally give off, when you walk into a room, the rest of that room changes with your energy. And if people are in that room they can feel that either good, bad, ugly, positive, negative, or indifferent energy flowing through the room, from you to them.

In my personal (not to confuse with professional) opinion, I do think they all tie in together. I do not think you can say you believe in one, but not the other.

I do not think it just happened to be that I was born, I think I was meant to be here, it was fate that I, ME... ERIN was brought into this world. Not someone else here typing instead of me.

And I believe that people respond to me with what I put out there and give to them. I believe that my actions and the choices I make, good and or bad will be justified one day and will come back to me.

Or maybe this is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo...

But you know what they say about karma right?...

So I don't think so.

Thought of the day:

"People change,
And forget to tell each other."

- Lillian Hellman -

One and the Same

2011-10-25T23:36:00.003-05:00

It amazes me how some things become clearer and clearer as time goes by.

It amazes me that thinking back to when I was a kid, I remember having certain thoughts that a good christian girl should NOT be having.

Thoughts such as... "What if I left the church? What if?"

I mean, it wasn't just one time.

I used to think that a lot.

I would go into a little conversation with myself.

"What would you do? I really don't know, probably something cool. But why would you ever leave? I dunno. Just What if? Its not that I WANT to, or I ever will.... Just what if I did. What would happen? It probably depends on why. Why? What if I went to a different church? Why would you do that? They are all weird anyways. I would never leave...

But what if I did?".....

By the way, I never actually had a real concrete answer for this question. I would always ponder it to myself. Any time I saw someone else leave, any time I ever heard of anyone else leaving.

It is kind of comical to me tho.

Ironic?

Maybe not. I never seem to know what that word means... even after looking it up just now.

Anywho, It is kind of comical to me tho, after thinking it for so long, here I am. Or shall I say there I am not.

Part of me feels like I always pondered that because I felt it wasn't right for me, I never really agreed with all of it, part of me feels like I pondered that because I knew I was going to leave one day...

And part of me feels like I was just a kid who thought a lot.

But you cannot really be your own person within the walls tho. To me it seems like every person is on a scale.

Lowest to highest. All based on your lineage and who you came from.

I remember introductions to other people...

"Who are you now?"

"Erin Torola."

"Ohhhh.... You are so and so's daughter... You are so and so's grandaughter."

Theeeeen usually silence.

Awkward.

Never is it about who YOU are, its about who's kid you are. Where do you come from. . .

Either way I am quiet grateful.

Really I am.

If it wasn't for the FALC, the backwards way of things, the secrecy and the lies (all the way down to petty things like smoking a cigarette)

I don't think I would be where I am at right now.

I wouldn't really know what truth is.

What love is.

I believe they are one and the same.

I do not think that you can have love without truth.

I mean, really loving someone is being open and honest with yourself and them as to who they are and who you are and your relationship with them.

And truth. Well truth is truth. If you are willing to accept and own it you have to love it for what it is as it cannot change.

And being truthful with yourself completely allows you be open to let others love you for who you are and in turn being able to love them back truthfully for who they are.

To me, they are one and the same.

It really amazes me how things become clearer and clearer as time goes by.

Thought of the day:

"You can chain me, you can torture me,
You can even destroy this body,
But you will never imprison my mind."

- Mahatma Gandhi -

I am Back

2011-10-21T23:50:00.003-05:00

It feels good to be back.

This is two fold.

First, on the one hand, I have been without the internet for about a week and I have felt utterly and completely lost without it.

I am not even ashamed to admit it. Because it is true.

And now that I have it up again, I am utterly and completely happy!

Now, because I have been without the internet for a little while (or more like a year) I have been able to do some more writing than I usually do. I have been exploring and finding more about me and what my take on everything else is. And this brings me to number two.

I have been going through some more change lately. Moving. Again. Three times in 5 months.

I think I am ready to stay awhile.

It always strikes me as odd the way I react to such a small thing. Its just a move. To a new place 20 minutes down the road. Nothing different.

Then it hit me. This is not such a small thing.

This is a BIG thing. Uprooting all of your personal belongings, personal space, what is familiar, what is comfortable, and bringing it all to a new place that is unknown, scary, and not a all familiar.

Especially after doing it two other times in the past five months. I think I am glad that I get scared, nervous, somewheredeepdownexcited, whatamidoingiwanttogohome feeling.

I would be lying to myself if I felt completely fine with it all.

And then it hit me.

This isn't really about moving. This isn't really about leaving the FALC. These feelings aren't really just about new physical territory.

Its a lot about new emotional territory. Opening up new "portals" if you will, and going into unfamiliar territory and outside of my comfort zone. Examining what I really believe, think, and perceive.

Looking back, what I then thought was "normal" for me, was actually me feeling trapped, caged, locked and stuck inside my own body.

Doing what I thought I needed to do or say or think to be accepted and approved by everyone else. Even tho I was "care free" and didn't give a rip about what everyone else thought of me. I did.

And now slowly but surely, even when I feel down because of change or anything else, and I am finding some more new territory that I haven't yet explored in my mind or heart...

I do not feel trapped like I did before.

This time, it ends, I feel more free, happy, and joyful every time. I feel the cages lift after I process and work out whatever it is that I am working on. They do not stay there. In fact, they are really hardly there at all anymore. Only me.

I can feel myself seeping out of my pours, finally coming out of my skin.

I don't know where I was.

All I know now tho,

Is that I am back.

Thought of the day:

"What lies in our power to do,
Lies in our power not to do."

- Aristotle -

Stand Tall

2011-10-13T22:32:00.003-05:00

Something is changing... Something is moving...

Its big... Its amazing...

Its within me...

I can feel it... I can see it...

It is transforming... Growing... Learning... Expanding... Knowing... Reaching... Touching... Finding... Realizing... Talking... Telling... Listening... Waiting.

If I think back to the thoughts that I used to be consumed with, I cannot help but wonder why? Why was my mind so wrapped around these certain thoughts and feelings...

For example.

Getting married, finding a boyfriend, starting a family.

A typical 21 year old girl should not be worried that her time is running out to do these things.

A typical 21 year old girl usually is worried when living in an environment that has young woman typically married off with kids at this age.

But that doesn't stress me out like it used to.

And when I realized that. It was amazing. A truly amazing feeling KNOWING that this isn't it for me. That I haven't lost my chance. There is much much more.

So much that I have yet to figure out and realize.

Its not that I do not want a family ever, its simply that I have to figure me out first, before I drag anyone else into my beautiful, amazing, crazy, insane, wonderful life.

Because it is.

All of the above.

A thought comes to mind here. Something my dad used to tell us...

"Worry about Erin. Once you have Erin figured out, then you can worry about everyone else."

Now more than ever, this seems to be so utterly and completely true. I really see the meaning in it.

Back then, to me it just meant to not tattle or worry about whatever said sibling was doing, and to just worry about what I was doing or what choices I was making.

Now, it is so much more than that.

Its figuring out who Erin is. Who she really is. What she really wants out of life, herself, what is true, what is honest, who she surrounds herself with, who she isn't...

Now that I am focusing and figuring out Erin, I realized (click-lightbulb) that there really isn't a need for me to worry about everyone else.

Because I am who I am, and to worry about everyone else, or how they perceive me would just be a waste of time, and cause more stress like it did before, like the whole getting married thing.

Its funny too, its not about being a "good person" or being a "good christian", and its not about everyone elses feelings...

Its all about being honest, truthful, loving, accepting, and owing myself.

Its all about discovering myself.

I am meeting this whole new person...

Beth has talked about this before. And I am starting to see what she means.

There is this whole different person just waiting to come out when I finally gave up, and started to be honest and clear with myself.

Honesty isn't rude. It is honest.

The naked truth is blunt. It is direct. It cannot tell a lie.

It has the right to stand tall and be what it is. True.

If it offensive, rude, or hurtful, I have come to realize that it doesn't make it false. It just means that you are lying to yourself.

I am telling you...

This is big...

This is huge...

Something is moving... Something is changing...

I can feel it.

Thought of the day:

"Get up, stand up.
Stand up for your rights.
Get up, stand up.
Don't give up the fight."

- Bob Marley -

To Know What It Means

2011-10-09T13:12:00.003-05:00

I feel that when you go through life, if you are willing, you will go through a lot of self discovery.

Maybe you wont, maybe it is just me.

I've realized I have thrown the word "friend" or "friendship" around rather loosely. And I am not quite sure the meaning of it.

At first it was bothering me that something I thought I knew exactly was it was, and what it meant, turned out to be nothing of the sort.

And then I was okay with that.

So I can now say that I do not know what the word friend means... I have an example of one friendship that I have had throughout my entire life, that is as close to the definition that I can get to.

That definition being....

The tendency to desire what is best for the other
Sympathy and empathy
Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
Enjoyment of each other's company
Trust in one another
Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.
The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment.
It is very important to have honesty, trust, sympathy, respect and helpfulness in friendship.

My definition wasn't as close as I thought it would be.

The other thing that I have realized, is that I can only be responsible for myself, my actions, my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings, and how I view myself.

Someone told me "you cannot change people, you can only change how you react to them." And is that not the truth?

I cannot change anyone, I cannot change how they react to how I feel. As long as I am completely honest with myself, and am in turn completely honest with them, that is all that matters.

"I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand."

That has been hard for me to come to terms with. I keep feeling that I AM responsible for someone elses reactions to what I say.

But I am not responsible for what someone else says.... I am only responsible and can only change how I react to them.

So why is it any different the other way around?

It is not.

I have finally figured that out. And it feels amazing.

responsible (rɪˈspɒnsəb ^əl)

— *adj* (usually foll by for ) (foll by to )
1.	having control or authority (over)
2.	being accountable for one's actions and decisions (to): to be responsible to one's commanding officer
3.	(of a position, duty, etc) involving decision and accountability
4.	( often foll by for ) being the agent or cause (of some action): to be responsible for a mistake
5.	able to take rational decisions without supervision; accountable for one's own actions: a responsible adult
6.	able to meet financial obligations; of sound credit

I cannot, will not, and do not hold any responsibility for how someone else will react to how and what I say. As long as I am being honest with myself, and with them, I can only own my words, thoughts, and feelings, and I cannot make apologies for them.

There are all of these words that I have been using... and haven't really KNOWN what they really meant to me... it feels nice to finally know... or to not know.

Thought of the day:

"Until you spread your wings,
You'll have no idea how far,
You can fly."

- Unknown -

Divorce

2011-10-05T21:12:00.002-05:00

I am thinking that life growing up in the FALC, living, sleeping, and breathing the FALC until I was 20, and walking away from the FALC at 20 is much like anything else you go through in life.

Let me explain.

I do not think that this is something that I will soon or if ever forget.

Like a divorce.

You go into the marriage thinking it will last, but somehow, somewhere along the way it doesn't end up like that. You open your eyes and finally see what everyone on the outside does...

You eventually find the courage to walk away.

But you are always stuck with the pain and the hurt.

Now, I cannot speak from experience as I have never been married, and I know every situation is different.... Its just an analogy.

I am sure with time the pain will fade, it will dull, but it will still be with you. You cannot just "forget" you were married and shared your life with someone.

I cannot just forget the pain, hurt, judgment, and hypocrisy in the FALC.

I think that over time though, and the longer you have to look at it all, the more things may make sense. And the things you thought once made sense now do not.

Hindsight right? HA.

For instance, something that doesn't make sense to me. . .

I always thought it was weird that other churches were open all of the time, or most of the time. I thought that it was weird that they didn't just open their doors on Sunday at 9 am and then close them on Sunday at about noon.

And then I got to thinking today.... With everything else I have realized about the FALC... how they promote fear, they do not preach or teach about love, and how they do not promote a personal spiritual relationship with God...

They also "shut" God out on you. . .

They only let him be available for the most part on Sunday, 9am to noon... every Wednesday for a hour long bible class, where really you only listen to the preacher talk... and then the occasional Saturday for song services... where you do not even read the bible, just sing.

There are all of these churches who have support groups, youth groups, organizations trying to make the world a better place. A lot of them never shut their doors. They are always open for anyone in need, anyone looking for a relationship with God, and looking for love. They do not shut God out on you.

And yet... for the most part... they are damned.

. . .

I do feel like I went through a painful divorce.

It's to the point that none of it makes sense anymore, that it is actually starting to make sense. If that makes sense.

Thought of the day:

"As for me, all I know is
That I know nothing."

- Socrates -

The Heart Of The Matter

2011-10-02T14:01:00.002-05:00

Do your best in whatever you do.

Treat others with the kindness and respect that you wish to be treated with.

No matter where you work, you give it your all and your most, and it will be recognized.

Be honest with yourself and others and you will be happy.

The truth will set you free.

In order for someone to love you you have to love yourself.

If something doesn't make you happy, don't do it.

Live for yourself, not anyone else.

You do no cheat your way through life.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but in the end the reward will be great, and wont seem all that hard the next time around.

These are some of the few things I have been taught growing up to do...

At the end of the day, its not about everyone else. Its about yourself. How you see yourself. How you portray yourself.

Nobody can fix you. Only you can fix you. It all depends if you have the will, want, and drive to do so.

It all comes down to if you are true to yourself.

You can lie to everyone else... thats up to you. But what is even worse, is when you are lying to everyone else, you are in turn lying to yourself.

Countless times I have had a "problem" or "dilemma" that I haven't been able to figure out myself... or so I thought.

But every time, I have been able to figure it out, with the help of someone asking me the same questions I have been asking myself.

Only I can help me. Only you can help you.

I really could not imagine being in a life where years of lies, deceit, and hypocrisy have been piled up so high, that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep it all hidden.

It amazes me. It scares me. It terrifies me.

And it makes me happy, that I seemed to get the memo as it was handed to me.

It didn't escape me.

I understand it.

I get it. It all makes sense to me know.

They're not just clichés... Its the heart of the matter. Its the heart of life. Its the heart of being true to yourself.

Someone once told me that they are sorry for me because my parents didn't go to the FALC anymore... This person said that their parents are their rock, they couldn't imagine if they left.

My parents are my rock... To be quite honest, I couldn't imagine if they still went to the FALC.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I walked away... and in reality its not even been a year yet.

And at the same time, it seems like it was just yesterday. . .

To be true to myself I had to open my eyes about everything around me. I had to see, hear, take it in, process, and come to a conclusion.

And with my conclusion, I do not think that I would have been able to continue on without the support of those around me, including most importantly my parents.

So dear, there is no need to feel bad. I am glad your parents are your rock, but I am even more glad that my parents are my rock.

There is so much that I just do not understand... I do not get it why some people live a life full of lies. And there is so much that I am learning and re-learning. I would think that in the end, it would be so much easier to live in the truth.

But that's just speaking in my experience.

I guess India Arie puts it best... "The more I know, the less I understand, and all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again."

Thought of the day:

"Everything that we see is a shadow
Cast by that which we do not see."

- Martin Luther King Jr. -

Against All Odds...

2011-09-27T20:24:00.004-05:00

I've been reading this blog lately. Its truly amazing. It is truly inspiring.

A young girl, I think around 21 or so, was pregnant with twins, who are conjoined and share one heart.

She gave birth to them, and they are now three weeks old.

Against all odds, they survived.

If you check it out, she explains how many doctors, nurses, family, emails, comments, and people telling her that she should abort the pregnancy. But she didn't. She stuck through with it until the end. And she was given the greatest reward. Faith, Hope, and Love.

She asks herself, "What if?" What if she did what everyone told her to do? What if she killed her babies? Then she wouldn't have had the chance to meet the two most important people in her life. Faith and Hope. They are three weeks old, they are doing great.

Against all odds, they survived.

Thinking about this reminds me the lives in the FALC. The ones who want to leave, the ones who have left, the ones who were abused, the ones left suffering.

Against all odds.... Everyone pushing them down. Quieting them.

Against all odds.... Fighting for what is right.

Against all odds.... Speaking out and finding a voice.

Jim and Judy.... Against all odds.

Carl.... Against all odds.

Beth.... Against all odds.

Even with everyone talking, commenting, gossiping, and attacking. Saying to let it be. Saying its not as big as it may seem. Saying that it is a family issue.

Knowing what is true. Knowing what is good. Knowing what is right.

No matter the odds. No matter what it may do to your "social" life. Family. Friends.

At the end of the day, this is bigger than that. This is about fighting for the greater good.

Even if it helps just ONE person.

What if?

What if we all turned a blind eye? What if it wasn't "that big of a deal?" What if it was just "a family issue?"

Then that ONE person, would still be suffering. In silence.

Instead... Against all odds, all odds in the FALC, that one person is able to climb up. Stand tall.

If believing is seeing.... and if you believe in God, then you see God.... Then why can't you believe the abuse is happening, instead of waiting to see it? Perhaps if you believe it, you will then gain your sight... Something to think about.

What if I stayed in the FALC? What if I pushed down my thoughts and feelings? What if?...

They say not to dwell on what if... but it is hard not to.... I wouldn't have met some very important people who are in my life. I wouldn't have found my voice to speak out. I wouldn't have been able to truly stand for what I believe in.

Standing up for what is right, for what is real, for what is the truth.

Even against all of the odds, there is still a great reward for fighting for the greater good. In order to gain the rewards you have to go through the pain.

Just like that mother, fighting the odds and ending up with Faith, Hope, and Love....

I am fighting as well.

We are all fighting...

The reward?

Peace, Love, and Joy.

Thought of the day:

"To overcome difficulties
Is to experience the full delight of existence."

- Arthur Schopenhauer -

Love

2011-09-25T15:15:00.004-05:00

There comes a point when you stop. You look at your life. You think about where you have been. You think about where you are.

Is this where you want to be? Is this who you thought you would be?

If it is, I am happy for you. If it is not, then there comes a time when you need to re-evaluate.

Change is always a good thing. Even when it doesn't feel like it at the time.

I usually say I hate change, but then I usually end up loving it.

I really could not ask for more. That really would be too much.

I feel like I am in a dream, that I cannot wake up from. The good kind of dream.

I feel like eventually I will wake up, be back in the FALC, and blind to everyone and everything.

But then I pinch myself. And I am not.

I am here. This is real.

It is beautiful outside. Light breeze, 99 degrees at 3:00 in the afternoon. There has never been a time in my life that I can remember that I was able to wear shorts at the end of September.

That is beautiful.

I have an amazing support system around me. People cheering me on, allowing me to be. Be who I am. Regardless.

This is such an amazing thing.

I have so much love surrounding me. People waiting to meet me, to love me for who I am, but I could not see them because I was in the confines of the FALC.

I do not believe that there is love in the FALC. Not much.

Sure there are people who genuinely do love you. Or me. Or them. No matter what the circumstances are. And those people have proven to me they do love me. No matter my opinion. No matter what I say.

Because at the end of the day, we are all people. We are not going to agree on everything. They are there for me, because I am a person. They are my friend.

Just as I am there for them. I am their friend.

If there was love in the FALC, I believe it would have been preached about more in the pulpit. I believe that you would see it in the actions of everyone. I believe there wouldn't be so much gossip. I believe there wouldn't be so much shunning. I believe there wouldn't be so much abuse.

I believe if there was love, there wouldn't be so much abuse.

If people really loved people, they would act on what they know. If people really loved people they would protect every child they have heard was hurt. If people really loved people they would report the perpetrator. No matter who they are.

They would not continue to hide, whisper, run, or turn away.

If people really loved people, they would not continue their cycle of abuse amongst their peers. They would not continue to "encourage" others to come to kyds, come to the "Christian gatherings" and then ignore them once they are there. If people really loved people, they would welcome them, talk to them, make sure they are not sitting alone. Love them for who they are.

What is happening now, is not love.

I choose love.

I was surprised, shocked, knocked on my butt when certain people have shown me their support. I didn't see it coming.

And that is amazing. I cannot even tell you how much.

That is love. I didn't know that kind of love while being in the FALC because I couldn't find it. It wasn't there.

I wanted it.

I found it.

I have it.

I am not letting it go.

Thought of the day:

"Spread love everywhere you go.
Let no one ever come to you
Without leaving happier."

- Mother Teresa -

Getting To The Truth

2011-09-21T20:07:00.003-05:00

Abuse is disturbing to hear about. Abuse is disturbing to read about. Abuse is disturbing to see.

But none of the above can even come close to how much more disturbing it is to the victim. It doesn't compare.

Just because it is such a hard thing to discuss, doesn't make it okay to just leave it be, and turn a blind eye. All that happens, is it gives free reign to the abusers. The cycle repeats itself. Over and over and over again. Generation after generation. Child after child.

Thats what happens in the FALC. It runs unchecked, and rampant. I do not know why everyone turns their head to it. To cover up themselves? To cover up someone else? In fear of how big it could be? In fear of how big it actually is? To keep the facade of normalcy?

That is not normal.

There is no normal.

The more that it is openly talked about, the more truth is uncovered, and hopefully even one less child will hurt. Maybe one child will be spared their innocence and childhood.

In my opinion, in order to stop abuse, you have to know that it is happening. And not know as in you've seen the action... But believe when told it has happened. Believe the victim. Chances are, they are telling the truth. And it took a long time for them to tell.

The more you doubt the abuse happens, the more it continues.

In order to stop the abuse, you have to believe the abuse happens.

In order to open up and see the truth, you have to look at every side and aspect that you possibly can. Not just what you know, or think you know. You have to be open to view more.

Once you do, slowly you start to factor out what couldn't possibly be. Or it just starts to factor out itself. The lies and everything that is false falls away until the only thing left standing is the truth.

It may be blocking your way even.

If it is, then really you have no other choice but to look inward. Examine yourself to see why the truth is blocking you.

In my way of thinking if you want to get "through the truth" and on to the other side, you have to look at every side of yourself.

If you really want it, everything that is false, a lie, or not true will fall away.

The only thing left is you standing there.

Completely naked with the truth of yourself all over you and staring you back in the face.

It was there all along. You just couldn't see it with everything covering it up.

There is no way to "get through the truth and on to the other side"...

Because after everything else is stripped bare, thats all that there is left. The other side only consists of the truth.

You cannot undo it.

I would like to add this on... I am not an expert by any means, but I thought that its definitely helpful...

Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you begin asking questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:

During a divorce
Death of a family member or pet
Problems at school or with friends
Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
Seems distracted or distant at odd times
Has a sudden change in eating habits
- Refuses to eat
- Loses or drastically increases appetite
- Has trouble swallowing.
Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
Talks about a new older friend
Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
Has new words for private body parts
Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training
Signs more typical in adolescents

Self-injury (cutting, burning)
Inadequate personal hygiene
Drug and alcohol abuse
Sexual promiscuity
Running away from home
Depression, anxiety
Suicide attempts
Fear of intimacy or closeness
Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare. If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor. Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

http://www.stopitnow.org

Thought of the day:

"Some men have thousands of reasons
Why they cannot do what they want to.
When all they need
Is one reason why they can."

- Willis Whitney -

Escape

2011-09-18T20:47:00.003-05:00

"I was born into a radical polygamist cult. At eighteen, I became the fourth wife of a fifty-year-old man. I had eight children in fifteen years. When our leader began to preach the apocalypse, I knew I had to get them out." - Carolyn Jessop, Escape.

Without even opening the front cover, you know what is inside of this book.

And at the same time... You do not have a clue.

I read "Escape" by Carolyn Jessop about 4 or 5 years ago. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it.

I cried, I laughed, I was in shock, I wanted to throw up, I was in awe.

Here is this woman, born and raised and lived her whole life in the Fundamentalist Church of the Latter-Day Saints (FLDS).

And she wants to escape into a world she knows nothing about. No contact on the outside. No idea how to survive. Taught her whole life that the rest of the world is evil.

The back cover of the book says "The story Carolyn Jessop tells is so weird and shocking that one hesitates to believe a sect like this, could really exist in twenty-first-century America... This book reminds us that truth can indeed be much, much stranger than fiction."

Kind of familiar.

Albeit on a smaller scale. But familiar all the same.

To begin to explain a world full of lies, secrecy, abuse, power, control, neglect, hypocrisy, and judgment in the FALC would be very weird to someone who has never been exposed to that. Almost unbelievable.

But "truth can indeed be much, much stranger than fiction."

I am thinking I am going to have to read this book again.

While reading it while being on the inside, and having the reaction I did...

I am very curious to see my reaction now that my eyes are open and I am on the outside.

Maybe it will be the same. Maybe my first reaction was my body talking to me.

And maybe I will be able to see much much more the second time around. I do remember I read it in one day. I couldn't and wouldn't put it down.

In her book, there are so many similarities between the FLDS and the FALC. Of course on different scales, but some are pretty close.

She says "That morning as I was scrubbing every inch of my body I realized that it was mine. I had gotten my body back."

She too had to realize that her body was just that. Hers. Not anyone elses to tell her what she could or couldn't do to it. Not anyone elses to abuse. But hers.

My body is mine.

In the FALC there are unwritten rules. You can erase them with your imaginary eraser, if you wanted to.

This past weekend I owned my body.

I got my ears pierced.

It was a crazy experience for me. Very freeing. Liberating. Exotic. Taboo.

My heart was pounding. I was scared it was going to hurt. A lot.

I almost felt a little bit like the world was going to end.

Lo and behold it didn't!

It didn't hurt THAT bad. It did hurt.. but not as bad as I thought it would.

But to think... 5 years ago I am reading a woman's story on her escape from a religious cult, seeing and experiencing the world for the first time. . . .

Here I am now. Doing the same damn thing. Experiencing, learning, owning. Just like she did.

I did not see that coming.

MAN I have GOT to read this book again!!!

It really is amazing. Truly and honestly.

Thought of the day:

"Freedom is extraordinary,
And love a miracle."

- Carolyn Jessop, "Escape" -

Enjoy Every Bite

2011-09-17T18:46:00.003-05:00

When you stop and think about your life, where you've been, what you've done, what you've seen, what you've said, and where you are going....

It can be scary, beautiful, joyful, overwhelming, exciting, wonderful, terrifying, and the list goes on.

But ... Its when you look in the future, that's when things get scary and overwhelming. It is easy to say to stay in reality, but harder to do so. Live in the moment.

I am trying.

The more I tell myself to do that, the more I am able to do it.

When I was still going to the FALC, it was easy for me to continue to work at the same job, do the same thing, because I knew exactly where I was going, and where I was going to be in ten years.

Now. HA! Well now its quite the different story! I do not have a dang clue as to where I will be in ten years let alone ten days. Its not easy for me. Its scary, its terrifying, its beautiful.

I have complete control over everything that I do, I think, I own. I have complete control over my body, my job, my living location... and the list goes on.

Its so foreign to me that its scary. But the more I am living, the better its getting, its not so scary, and I am starting to embrace it all.

I cannot tell you, me, or them where I will be in five years. And that is amazing. I do not want to know.

I'm slowing starting to be able to let go of the future. And live for right now.

I was at an interview about a month ago. . . The woman who was interviewing me was wondering why I hadn't gone to school. I really didn't tell her exactly why, but I will tell you. I was sure I didn't need to because soon I would meet someone and get married and start a family. Its what I knew.

But the other part of the reason was I was scared of the commitment. It seemed so huge to do. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I know I want to do something big.

Anyways, I didn't end up getting the job. But when I was in the interview she told me to look at school like an elephant. How do you eat an elephant? I just said one bite at a time.

Exactly.

She said that school is a huge thing, but when I just take it in doses and one bite at a time, it will be easy, not so hard, and not so scary.

I forgot about this until she just emailed me today. She told me she went another way on the job (which is fine because I am working now) but she reminded me about going to school and said that to view it like an elephant. One bite at a time.

I really feel like this pertains to more than just school for me. It pertains to my life. My future. When I get too ahead of myself. My future is like a elephant. It is HUGE and ready for me to get there... but I just need to take it one bite at a time.

Chew it slowly.

Enjoy every bite.

Its not going anywhere.

Thought of the day:

"Your worth consists of what you are
And not in what you have"

- Thomas Edison -

Never Ending Ride

2011-09-13T22:18:00.003-05:00

I have been on a very emotional, learning, spiritual, and healing journey.

Its not over. Not by a long shot. . . Maybe it never is, and it's definitely not easy. To explain what I have been going through lately, would be to place someone in China and tell them to figure out how to get back home.

Its confusing.

Its me.

I realize, really, that only I know what I am feeling. Because I am feeling it. Those who have walked this walk and have been on their journey to find more about themselves and finding their North Star know what it is like. They understand the gibberish I am talking about.

They understand the confusion, the pain, the love, the joy, the hurt, the sad, the happy. The realizations as they come along.

The process of digging deep into myself, and rummaging through all of my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and realizations is not what I thought it would be.

It hurts. It is painful. It is sad. It is amazing. It is joyful. It is spiritual. It is feeling. It is confusing. It is truth. It is me.

Every day I wake up to not knowing what my day will be like. I wake up feeling one way and I have a whole different feeling by the end of the day.

At first I was hating this roller coaster. It was getting to be quite tiring.

But now.

NOW... I am starting to love it.

Even when I am down, I just need to keep embracing. Keep loving this ride. I know it will take me to where I need to be. It has so far.

I do not know how I would have done it thus far without those around me cheering me on. Pushing and encouraging me to keep going forward. Showing me how far I have come.

When I feel I haven't moved an inch.

I look up, I look around, and I look back.

And I see.

I see my progress. I see my future. I see where I am headed.

Mostly. I mostly see where I am headed.

A lot of it is unknown. And that is what I love most about it! Even when I am down, at the bottom of the roller coaster, I know that great things are ahead... The ride doesn't just stop here.

Its never ending.

Thought of the day:

"If you have the courage to begin,
You have the courage to succeed."

- David Viscott -

Secondary

2011-09-11T21:22:00.003-05:00

Being on the outside a few things have come to my realization.

One of them is the conditions that are often placed within the FALC.

Finding this out on my own and coming to this conclusion has been quite the process.

When I was "in faith" and "saved" everyone loved me. Everyone talked to me and enjoyed my company (as far as I knew) as long as I sat my butt in that pew on Sunday morning.

How easy it was to be accepted when I was in faith. I unfortunately took that for genuine friendship. Nothing could change that. It was a lifelong bond between me and my close friends. We had so much in common. They cared about ME.

I never had really close friends growing up... So moving to an area where there were many from the FALC around my age was amazing. I created so many bonds and friendships that would be forever.

..... As long as I was saved .....

I realized that it wasn't reeealllly me that they loved. They only loved what they saw of me while I was saved. The "saved" me was amazing. I didn't question or doubt or wonder out loud. I kept it all to myself and sat down on Sunday morning.

But as soon as I started walking outside, no longer did they care about me. My journey or what I thought or did or cared about. I thought they did... but it was only because I was saved.

Everything else was secondary.

Sometimes I still sit here and wait to be proven wrong. . .

Tell me that you care about ME. Regardless of what I believe in.

What strikes me as odd, was that it wasn't until I was walking away... then everyone started to voice their concerns about me. They heard what I have been going through. They knew what my family was going through for this past year. . .

Why are you finally telling me now? Where were you a year ago when you heard? Why didn't you reach out to me then?

Is this your "last chance sermon?"

Is this your last attempt to keep me in the clutches and keep me saved?

Or do you really care about what I am going through?

I have a feeling that if one really and truly cared about me they would have asked me how I was doing when they heard. Not when there was no other choice. Not wait until the last moment.

It seems to me that my faith and being saved was the first important thing to most of them. Everything else came secondary.

If it didn't, and me as a human being taking my own personal journey came first, then I am sure that a few more would have reached out to me from the beginning. A small percentage did.

Tiny.

And it shocked the shit out of me.

I thought a small percentage would leave me alone, and the majority would come to me.

I guess its as they say, "It is in tough times that peoples true colors show."

Thought of the day:

"Life isn't about finding yourself,
Life is about creating yourself."

- Unknown -

Is The Church God? Or Is God The Church?

2011-09-10T23:13:00.003-05:00

Monday through Friday... school, work, kyds, sleep.

Friday and Saturday night, kyds, no sleep, b.s.ing all night long, up till all hours of the morning. Random gossip, talks about sports, relationships, who likes who...

Sunday morning, wake up. Go to church, go out to eat, go home, take a nap. Hang out again, talk about gossip, sports, relationships, who likes who...

That's it. Church is done. Just that one or so hour on Sunday morning, and we are done. Like clockwork.

Continue on with our lives.

No discussion, no questions, no talk about God or his word. Not that you have to, but when I think about it... its rather odd to me.

Here is a church, that strives to tell and show everyone that they are the "one true faith", but yet... no one talks about God. No one at kyds (in my experience) ever just sits and talks about the love of God.

But I have heard, on many occasions, people talking about the church. How wonderful the church is. How lucky we all are to be born into this wonderful faith and fellowship.

I haven't heard people talking about the sermon... but I have heard people wondering where so and so were on Sunday morning. And so and so wasn't there today.

But I have a feeling after Sunday services while watching the sports game... I would get weird looks or quiet responses if I was to start discussing the sermon, or the text, or talking about God.

If I was to mention how lucky we all are to be going to the one and only true church, that may be one thing. But never once have I heard open discussion about God.

Is the church God? Or is God the church? Or is it both? Or neither?

Either way, I find it weird that discussion is always about church, not God. And people are always so "saddened" when one leaves the church. Or "leaves God". Because the church seems to be the only place where God is.

Why should one be made to feel guilty if they do not go to church one Sunday morning?

Is it because they missed out on their one chance a week to see God?

Sometimes, when I was asked in the past where I was this morning (meaning where was I because I wasn't at church)... The little drama queen in me wanted to respond with "I wasn't there. Since you were, tell me what the sermon was about... other than the forgiveness of sins?"

Buuut, I didn't. Probably good anyways because usually the ones asking were the ones keeping a head count on who was and wasn't there... So they were probably to busy to listen anyways.

On the other hand... Maybe I should have asked... Maybe they would have proven me wrong....

Ehhh.

Thought of the day:

"The more you find out about the world,
The more opportunities there are to laugh at it."

- Bill Nye -

Be.

2011-09-07T19:06:00.003-05:00

Play.
Watch.
Stop.
Rewind.
Play.
Freeze frame.
Play.
Fast forward.
Stop.
Freeze frame.
Not ready yet.
Rewind.
Play.
Already watched that.
Fast forward.
Confused now.
Where is the present?
Did this happen yet?
Did I got to far?
Where was I?
I need to get back to reality.
I need to get back to real time.
I'm too far in the future.
Shit.
I'm too far in the past now.
That already happened.
Focus.
Focus.
Where was I?
Ahh.

Found it.

Deep breath.

I'm there.

I don't need to worry. I am here.

I am right where I need to be.

Another deep breath.

Exhale.
Let it all go.
Release.
Its gone.
Well, almost... its leaving.
Adjust.
Breathe.
Cope.
Feel.
Grow.
Experience.
Learn.
Trust.
Breathe.
Be.
Just be.

Thought of the day:

"When you get into a tight place,
And everything goes against you,
Till it seems as though,
You could not hold on a minute longer,
Never give up then,
For that is just the place and time,
That the tide will turn."

- Harriet Beecher Stowe -

To Lend A Hand

2011-09-06T22:11:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling disturbed.
And I think I know why.

With all this talk and debate, the one thing I keep hearing is that people would never turn their back when someone needed help. If they knew what was going on they would surely help out.

But that doesn't seem to be the case.

And not talking strictly about child abuse. Anything. Any issue, any problem, any abuse.

A very wise woman told me time and again, "When someone is down on their luck, and down on their knees and cannot get up by themselves, you do not continue to push them down with your hand. Instead you turn that hand around and you help them up to their feet, they cannot do it alone."

As true as this is, and as true and you would like it to be, it doesn't always happen this way. In fact, in recent months, I have seen people be shoved further to the ground.

It is so sad to hear and see, but it happens.

When someone comes to you with a problem, issue, or secret I would think it would be human nature to want to help that person.

Instead oftentimes what you get instead is rejection, told you are lying, more abuse, more hurt, and above all... you can be forgiven.

What is happening is the person is taking their problem, which wasn't even theirs to begin with because someone put it on them, and are reaching for a hand to help them back up.

Help them to release this poison that was never theirs. They just need a helping hand.

But that hand rejects them. Time and again.

And they are just pushed back down.

Further.

Further.

Darker.

Darker.

How can they reach for someone else now? How can they try and reach their hand to someone else when all they have known was to be pushed down?

How can they find help when they HEAR that people will reach their hand out, but they SEE people pulling it away?

What would it take for them to have just ONE person see them. See them for who they are. See the truth for what it is. And for just that one person to turn that hand around and lift them up.

To lend a hand.

Thought of the day:

"Many small people,
In many small places,
Do many small things,
That can alter the face of the world."

- Anonymous -

To Truth

2011-09-04T01:15:00.003-05:00

There is this thing about me... I get worked up over things that I cannot control.

Especially when someone is speaking nonsense. I cannot control what this person thinks, says, or does. As much as I want to... I truly cannot change it, even if it is so utterly off base.

That's when I have to tell myself...

Erin... "You cannot change people. You can only change how you react to them." - A wise person.

I mean... on the one hand, there is definitely nothing wrong with getting passionate about something. Especially when it is something you whole heatedly believe in.

But there comes a point, when I realize that I cannot continue to argue. Because if I do, it could go all day and night.

To try and speak and dialogue with someone who has a distorted version of the truth, or has no want to hear the truth, gets very tiring and exhausting.

Like I've said before... Mostly everything is discredited in my eyes as the truth, when the speaker cannot own who they are. To continue to hide behind anonymity shows me that you are only in half ass.

The truth has nothing to hide, unless you are the one hiding the truth. And if you are hiding the truth, you are not being true to yourself, which means you have to hide who you are.

Which brings me to my previous point... I have a hard time believing anything you say is true.

Through reading other blogs and speaking with different people, I have also realized that these people cannot help themselves.

As Beth says in her POST they have invested too much into the FALC. Or they have invested too much into the facade of normalcy. They are 100 proof.

They have put too much effort in keeping secrets upon secrets just that. A secret. They cannot afford to have the truth bursting from the ground, seams, walls, ceilings, sky, and mouths of those who know the truth.

Because if the truth does come out. Their "perfect" world will be not so sweet anymore.

Beyond that, since childhood they have been told what is right and wrong. They cannot think for themselves.

What boggles my mind however... Is how someone who is "of the world" can commit a crime and have to pay for it.

But someone in the FALC just has to have it "forgiven and forgotten." Then brushed under the rug. So they can continue to damage others lives over and over again.

I cannot believe that so many people say that "they would not stand for it" or that "anyone they know would help stop it".

Because in MY experience, and reading others journeys... within the FALC all they have gotten when speaking out about the truth and abuse, is that they are lying. They are not telling the truth. They are making it up. They are trying to break up the family. They are just mad. They are craving attention. Or they can have their sins forgiven. For something they did not do.

How is that support?

What does it take to be believed?

--

However, it is very refreshing and uplifting to hear that even one other person doesn't buy into it all. Who realizes there is so much more to life and to their self worth.

Who also, found their voice.

I have found mine.

It is for truth.

It is for me.

Heres to the truth.

Thought of the day:

"Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the
censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage
is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet
it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a
world which yields most painfully to change."

- Robert Kennedy -

To Live For You

2011-09-02T21:17:00.004-05:00

Another day.
Another person.
Another rumor.
Another lie.
Another truth buried.
Another truth comes alive.
Another believer.
Another doubter.
Another defender.
Another fighter.

Its a cycle.
Its a vicious cycle.

To try and determine the good and the bad.
The lies from the truth.
The bad and the ugly.

To fight those who resist you.
The ones who don't want to hear it.
The ones who think it couldn't be true.
To have your voice be heard.
To be able to tell your story.

To tell your story.
To have no one believe you.
Yet again.
To know the truth for what it is.
To accept the truth.
To live the truth.

To be told you are a liar.
To have your life discredited.
To have your journey trashed.
As if you haven't been through enough.

To be kicked out for telling the truth.
To be shunned for standing up for what is right.
To again be told you are a liar.

To live for yourself.
To hope for others to stand strong.
To find your voice.
To give help for survivors.
To again be told you are a liar.

To live the truth for what it is.
To live for yourself.
To hear all the lies.
To continue on regardless.
To yet again be called a liar.

To know you are right.
To continue the fight of fights.
To live for the truths.
To live for you.

It all comes down to what you want to hear.
If you want to hear the truth, you will.

If you don't, then all you will walk away with is lies.

Anyone can turn the truth around and around.
They can bury it deeper and deeper.
So it would be hard to come to terms with it
when it finally comes exploding out of the ground.

But the hardest thing is...

To fight the fight, the fight above all.
To go against the grain.
To know what it will entail.
To go ahead with it anyways.
To know that truth will prevail.
Eventually. It will prevail.

Regardless of all.
To live for the truths.
To live for you.

Thought of the day:

"Do not fear the winds of adversity.
Remember:
A kite rises against the wind
Rather then with it."

- Unknown -

"Going To Church"

2011-08-31T09:41:00.004-05:00

Thinking back to a conversation I had with someone a while back, I remember this person telling me very emphatically that you have to go to a Church to have God.

Or more specifically, I have to go to the FALC in order to have God in my heart. That the building itself is where God lives.

I found something that shows perfectly what I would have liked to say... but couldn't quite express in words to them. Partially because it was like talking to a brick wall...

Anyways here it is...

"Erroneously, church has become a function that we do on Sunday morning. Church has become an event instead of it being who we are. The word church has lost its meaning of family; the word has lost the meaning of us being a people. Going to church has become a weekly activity that we do. We’ve taken a word that defines who we are, a word that identifies us, and we’ve lessened it to an hour and a half episode that we do once a week. After the weekly church event, we then we all go home to our individual lives. It’s like going to the theatre, or going to school, going to work, or going to the grocery store. “We’re going to church!”

Look at it this way. If you are something, you are that thing everyday and you do what you are everyday. Are you a man? Then you never stop being one. Are you a woman? Then you never stop being a woman.

If you have kids then you are a parent. Do you ever stop being a parent? No. If you go to school, go to work, or you are at home, you are always a parent. You don’t stop being a parent because of where you are or what activity you are doing.

.....

Same with the church! If we are the church, you never stop being the church. You cannot be the church on Sunday at 10:45 a.m. and then not be the church Tuesday at 10:45 a.m.

When we call the building a church or say that “we are going to church” we are taking away from the fact that “church” is our identity, not something we “go to”. When something is our identity, we are that thing all of the time. When we “go to something”, we are only participating in that activity while we are there.

When we say “we are going to church”, we are practicing the exact error that is really in our hearts.

We have made something we are, into a weekly event. We’ve made the word “church” into an impersonal, shallow, intellectual, 2 hour a week activity.

Erroneously, we have our life at work. We have our life at home. We have our life of activities. We have our life with our church. We have our life with our friends. It is all become separate and compartmentalized." - http://homechurchhelp.com/going-to-church-is-not-in-the-bible

That about sums it up.

Thought of the day

"A strong person knows they have strength
enough for their journey,
But a person of strength knows that it is
in their journey where they will become strong."

- Unknown -

You're Not Alone

2011-08-30T11:18:00.004-05:00

When I think back to how I was feeling when I had stopped going to the FALC, but kept hanging out with the kids... it worries me.

It worries me because I was not in the right frame of mind at that time.

I remember that I had not gone to church in a few months, and I certainly felt the difference with my peers. I thought that I was with people who could support me and cared about me.

The reason I know it was different because I was always in the thick of everything... always planning, always talking to everyone... But it wasn't like that anymore. People even stopped texting me to get a plan going. Certain people ALWAYS texted me to plan something.

I remember a certain night at a bonfire. I went... not sure why... and I sat there. No one talked to me. What was the point of me being there? I know I would have felt a lot better if I would have just stayed home.

I remember I felt sad and I was feeling like I was sitting at a cross roads. Well... because I was.

But this particular night has recently been brought to my attention. I was told that I looked sad and depressed when I was there. Well.. I was sad. I was only there for a short time, then I left. I've been told that everyone was talking when I left that I did in fact look sad etc. I can just picture what everyone was saying. I've said it before about someone else.. I've heard it be said by someone else. All concern. Concern spoken between themselves... but it never goes any further.

If everyone was so concerned about me, why didn't anyone come up and talk to me? Why does it always have to be hushed and talked in secret. If there was real concern... I would think that talking to the person in question should be priority number one.

Looking back, it makes me worried that I was still continuing to hang out like I did... and I continued to feel worse and worse every time. Every time I would go... I felt like I was falling into a little deeper depression. Every thing was so cloudy. But when I would step away... It was better.

I kept looking to be wrong. I kept hoping that someone would prove me wrong. But no one stepped up.

There I was... Surrounded by ten, twenty, sometimes even thirty people...

And I felt completely and utterly alone.

But I wasn't. I had support. Silent support. As I was suffering in silence. Others were too. And they thought that they were alone as well.

If I was to have stayed... I know where my mind would be right now, because I know me. And it doesn't look even a little good to me.

Support group, social group, church group, christian group.

Call it what you want. But the bottom line is, it has conditions. It is not set up to support people in actual need. Its there to support you only if you fall under certain conditions.

The thing that I didn't realize at the time, was that my frame of mind was deeply affected by my surroundings and the people I was interacting with. When I completely left, it all started to clear, come together, and make sense.

And I started to realize that I was not alone.

In the 7 months that I have been out of the FALC, I have found more support, than in the 21 years I was inside.

I am not alone.

Thought of the day:

"Better be alone,
Than in bad company."

- Thomas Fuller -

God's Peace

2011-08-27T12:41:00.005-05:00

Many times in school, a close knit group of friends will have a secret code word, or hand shake... only for them. Only for those in the group. Why? Because everyone else isn't cool enough to be included.

--
Gods Peace is to the FALC, what Aloha is to the Hawaiians. It is a greeting for hello and goodbye. Its also only used for those who attend the FALC.

The last time I sat in a pew at the FALC, I listened. I almost got up and left, but I stayed. I listened long and hard to what was being said. And what I was hearing was that the FALC was the "one true faith". The preacher said that we cannot use the Greetings of Gods Peace to anyone who is not in "the one true faith" because they are of dead faith. We are the only true faith that will be going to heaven. Over and over again I listened to him say that "Gods Peace" is only used for those who are in "the one true faith'.

The biggest thing I didn't understand about his sermon was that it had nothing to do with the scripture that he read. Nothing. And I know that because the FALC isn't listed in the Bible for one. For two this faith has not been since the beginning of time. And for three the scripture just plain old had nothing to do with Gods Peace or the one true faith.

Classic warning sign of a religious cult, they are the only ones accepted into heaven.

I'm not sure but I am adding this one to the list...

Have a special greeting or sign that is used for members only.

When I moved away, there was a going away party for me and my sister. They made a card for us and everyone signed it.

Now, out of the 20 plus people that signed this card, only one person said Gods Peace on there. However, the going away party was for one other person, and on his card everyone put Gods Peace.

So when you put the two together, this only shows me that the FALC is a classic cult.

I am in dead faith to everyone who was my friend. And the preacher tells everyone that they are the only ones accepted into heaven, and you cannot tell someone who doesn't go to church "Gods Peace."

But if you think about it... who is the peace coming from? God or them? I am thinking them...

I mean, you can keep it, but this is a prime example. When someone gets so offended about the cold hard facts... its usually because the truth is trying to be denied.

Another warning sign of a cult is instant friends. Friends don't happen overnight... Relationships usually take a while to be established.

But right away I have been "friended" and expected to trust them. Usually only to have that trust betrayed.

That's really my fault, but at the same time, the acceptance for those who are in the group is amazing.

Usually it takes a while to establish a friendship... but after one weekend at St. Johns or confirmation, you can walk away with the best of friends.

Thought of the day:

"Control your own destiny
Or someone else will."

- Jack Welch -

Random Corn

2011-08-23T22:53:00.003-05:00

When you think back to grade school... middle school... high school... You never wanted to be the kid left out. You didn't want to be the kid that sat alone at the lunch table.

You wanted to fit in with your peers, who you saw from day to day.

So you did what was necessary. You conformed to whatever it is that they thought was "cool" or "in", just so you wouldn't be the oddball out.

But usually you always felt it. And so did they. Something was off. Almost like someone picked you up and randomly placed you in a group of kids. And you tried your hardest to fit. But everyone knew.

Its the same with the FALC. For me, and some others that I have in the past and present spoken to.

It's like someone just picked you up, and placed you there when you were born. Almost as if you were switched at birth, and put into this life you didn't belong in. And you felt it. They felt it. But you tried your hardest to fit in to the lifestyle, the only lifestyle, you knew.

It didn't matter that you may have had a difference of opinion, or that you didn't agree with the norm, all that mattered was that you agreed and went along with the common theme. Because if you didn't, then you would just drift further away, and be that "odd ball" all the more.

Then what would you do?

From birth this is the only social life you have known. This is the only contact that you have had for the most part, your whole life. Whether you liked it or not... this was it.

Very possibly, like me, you have alienated yourself from any potential relationship outside of the FALC. Be it romantic or friendship. Simply because they were "worldy", "nons", or "randoms". Basically... all non believers in the view of the FALC.

However the problem for me was this. I didn't fit in with anyone from school... they weren't really an option for me for a "lifelong friend." But, I also didn't fit in with anyone from the FALC. I tried... but something was always off...

As someone recently told me...

"When I'm driving home from work there is a field of what I think are soybeans. In this large field are a few corn stalks scattered in. I'm always too tired to stop and take a picture. But what I think when I see those few stalks standing tall is that the corn are saying "but I just want to be a corn!" I guess that's how [some of us are]. We were planted in that field of the FALC but we just didn't belong there. Instead we stood out, never quite fitting in. Odd analogy but that's how I see us. If we were in a field of corn, we wouldn't stand out, but in that field of beans, it becomes quite obvious that to the beans, we are the oddballs." - A friend

That's exactly it.

The corn and the soybeans were not meant to be in the same field. But somehow, the corn was randomly placed there, and they grew. But not until they were starting to grow bigger then the beans, did anyone notice that they didn't belong.

The corn tries to morph and blend in with the beans... but everyone knows they don't belong there.

Eventually the corn is surrounded by other corn... but it doesn't know how to fit in. Having to spend its whole life up until now surrounded by beans... its not sure how to fit in with the other corn.

Being on the outside....

There is that same feeling of not fitting in. As freeing as it is to leave... it is also hard.

Once you are free, you have to now figure out how to fit in with the rest of the world.

--

Maybe, just maybe tho... That's the best part.

The fact that you've never fit in. That you wont fit in.

Is because you were meant to stand out.

Thought of the day:

"What you seek is already within you.
You uncover it by shedding
All that is untrue within you."

- Sampo Kaasila -

Its So Easy

2011-08-22T14:02:00.003-05:00

A child asks his parents "How does a plant grow?"

The parent replies "You plant the seed, water it, keep it in the sunlight, and it will grow."

A young person in church asks the teacher "How did God make the world in seven days?", "Did dinosaurs really exist?", "How was God created?"

The teacher replies "All you have to do is believe. You must believe like a child."

No I'm not making up those questions, I've heard them asked, I've asked them.
No I'm not making up the answer. I've heard it be said as an answer to a question. To my question.

To believe like a child....

When I see a child, I see a curious kid. Children always ask questions. They want to know more about the world around them, and when they ask, they are given actual answers by their parents, teachers, and elders.

On the other end of this, when I have asked, or have heard others ask questions in regards to God, church, beliefs, the answer is always the same.

But a child just doesn't believe a tree is in the ground, he or she doesn't believe that it just appeared. He or she wants to know how it got there. Once they are told an answer that is acceptable for them they move on to the next thing to question.

Now, I am not saying that there is a technical answer for the questions listed... But there is something other then "All you have to do is believe like a child. Just believe your sins forgiven."

Yeah yeah I know my sins are forgiven. But that didn't answer my question.

If the answer wasn't known, that's understandable, I didn't and still don't know the answers to a lot of questions. But an actual answer would be good. Even if it is "You know, I'm not sure. Why don't we look and see if we can find an answer?" Or "I'm not the best person to ask, but surely someone else can help us?" Or even "Why don't we look in the Bible and see if there are any answers to your questions?"

A child believes in Santa Clause. Now, he/she believes in Santa with all his/her heart and soul. BUT, they STILL want to know how in the heck that guy can get around the world to every boy and girl in just one night.

So they ask. And they will get some sort of answer.

---

Its so simple. So simple that even a child can believe.

But seriously... To me, when told to believe like a child, basically I hear that I have free reign to ask questions. Just like a child does. A child believes, and questions what he/she is told.

When they are asking a question, they get an answer suitable for them. If not, they ask some more questions. Think about it... If a child is told to just believe like a baby... they would probably get mad. They are beyond the whole baby thing, they are a big kid now, they don't want their intelligence to be insulted.

So when an adult asks a question, and is told to believe like a child. The adult may feel like their intelligence is being insulted. Either that or they feel guilty for being "a bad Christian" for asking a question they should have just "believed in" from the start.

I felt guilty. And why? Because I questioned something I should have just believed. And that is ludicrous. To feel guilty for being curious, to naturally want to know more. You should not be made guilty for having feelings and questions.

And the weird thing is, some of my questions have already been answered on the outside. And an answer that was an actual answer.

Not just "you must believe like a child."

(This sounds to me like "Its so easy, even a caveman can do it.")

Thought of the day:

"Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so,
You apologize for the truth."

- Benjamin Disraeli -

Myself

2011-08-19T15:59:00.004-05:00

Living without fear.
Living without care.
Finding my own path.
Finding God on my path.
Releasing my stress.
Releasing my worry.
For what may happen will happen.
What may come will come.
What stays away for another season.
What waits for tomorrow.
What comes today.
What I find for a reason.
What my mind tries to convince me.
What my body tells my mind.
What I find in Gods word.
Where I find my joy.
Where I find love.
Where I go to be happy.
Where I leave and say goodbye.
Where I find laughter in my day.
Where I cry and shed my tears.
When I worry about myself.
When I don't let others bring me down.
When I know who I am.
When I know what I want.
When I trust what I feel.
When I know what is love.
When I stop being to hard on myself.
When I laugh at myself.
When I forgive myself.
When I let myself fall.
When I let someone help me up.
When I feel okay to smile.
When I feel okay to be mad.
When I feel okay to yell out.
When I feel okay to say what I want.

Is when I know.

I know myself.
I am myself.
I trust myself.
I love myself.

Thought of the day:

"The more we examine ourselves
And learn from our mistakes,
The clearer our future becomes."

- Shinjo Ito -

I Will Miss...

2011-08-18T15:34:00.005-05:00

I will miss the occasional blizzard in the beginning of October
and at the end of May.

I will miss the smell of the frozen ground.

I will miss the taste of the snow as it slaps at your face
while you are sledding down a hill on a broken sled.

I will miss jumping into a pile of freshly fallen leaves.

I will miss the smell of the air as the birds start to leave and the
dew slowly comes in.

I will miss the first round of jackets and scarfs put out on the
stores racks.

I will miss the fresh flowers after the snow finally melts.

I will miss the muddy gloppy mess everywhere from the melting snow.

I will miss the first chirps of the birds that have finally returned from
a long vacation down south.

But I will not miss the 30 below temperatures as I am
sitting in the 50 degree weather.

I will not miss the leaves when I come home to visit.

And I will not miss the muddy mess when I am running
late for work and am sliding around outside.

---------------

I am excited to see what I will miss here when I am away...

Thought of the day:

"Be happy for this moment.
This moment is your life."

- Omar Khayyam -

Answers

2011-08-17T15:34:00.004-05:00

I would like to speak with someone who keeps commenting on my blog. However, they continue to hide behind a fake alias of numbers and letters. They refuse to stand for what they believe in, but continue to comment because they do not think I will post them.

No I will not post the comments, but I will address them here.

To the first one:

" You sound like a wonderfull role model. Tell your children to feel free to rant and criticize about someone else's faith and yet not to listen to that other person at the same time. You are a hypocrite of the first degree. And Erin, you need to grow up, you delete the comments that differ from yourself because they don't make your blog sound so rosy anymore. Well if you don't want criticism, then make your blog private, otherwise if your going to rant about something then deal with the consequences. I realize you will immedietly delete this though cause that is how you are. I feel so sorry for you family members that chose to stay with the FALC. What a shame that they have to deal with you and your parents."

" Erin, you are the pathetic one here, you refuse to post comments that disagree with you. How sad you are. How sad for your grandparents to have your mother post commments like that. What a disgrace."

Well... tell me how you REALLY feel! I find it sad whoever you are... that you confuse love and support with being a bad role model. That makes me sad to think about what kind of a life you may have had. To promote free thinking and to question what is around you is a wonderful thing to teach your children. I am sorry anonymous.. but I do not feel like I or my mother are hypocrites. You are. You are telling me to be what you want me to ... yet here I am. You know who I am. Yet you continue to hide behind your computer. I am standing for what I believe in. You are not. I feel I have grown up, you on the other hand are attacking me full out. I do not accept comments from people like you because you will refuse to listen. My blog is not "rosy". Religious cults and child sexual abuse is not rosy. And it disturbs me that you have the assumption that I think it is. If what I say is so disturbing to you why do you keep coming back? Something is obviously hitting close to home.

And as far as deleting this comment... you do not know who I am. You think you do... but you have shown me an enormous amount as to what type of person you are. You do not want to stand up and believe in something, you will continue to protect lies. If what you believe is so important to you, you should be okay with telling who you are. Otherwise you are just lying to yourself. By not standing for what you believe in and not saying who you are... discredits everything you have said to me.

Unless you are in my family, you know nothing of it. You know nothing of what I or they have grown up in, been through, or experienced. And it clearly shows. I am sorry.

But I truly and most vehemently feel sorry for you. I have seen a small insight to your life through your words. And it is not happy. Feel free to email me and I would be more then happy to speak with you. But the more you attack me behind an alias, the more I will see what type of person you truly are. I wish you all the best anonymous.

To commenter number two:

" Why is it that those who lose their faith become so bitter? If you are happily moving on, why the bitter blog posts day after day?"

You have proven to me what I have been writing about. Thank you.

2011-08-17T00:20:00.006-05:00

From what I can remember, since childhood I have felt like I didn't belong. Something was off.

Something......

Something......

What is it? Why does everyone else have close friends all around me? Why is everyone else included in everything? Why are my cousins able to go with Grandma and Grandpa places but I'm not invited? Why do they give them nicknames but cant remember what my name is?

I'm funny, I know how to take a joke, I can have a good time...

Why am I told to include everyone but I'm not always included? Why do I have to be nice but people can be mean to me? Why do people tell me to be quiet when I'm minding my own business and having fun? Why do people single me out and throw objects at me and laugh?

Why do I have to have kind words for everyone but people can talk behind my back? When it comes back around to me it feels just as bad as if it was said to my face.

Why do I have to be nice about my past, when it comes back to me that people talk bad and spread lies about my family or my father?

For once I will speak. I will have my say. Everyone else can be quiet and listen. I will not accept debating, attacking, or any other type of comment. I have tried, it has been nothing but a war of words. I can only accept honesty, love, and support.

There are many good and loving people in my past, some I know, some I do not. Those who care and are in my present know exactly where I am coming from. Those who I do not know could very possibly be offended by my words, I cannot help that for they are my words.

My words that are just trying to figure out what it is that I have lived for the past 21 years.

I do not and cannot regret where I have been, as it has made me to the person I am today, and has led me to where I am today.

Yes, words are hurtful, and when they are put out there, they cannot be taken back. It doesn't always make them untrue though.

As they say "the truth hurts".

And the truth is, to be a part of something that protects and hides something so profound, such as child abuse is unsettling. I remember conversations when I was just starting to hang out, and people were whispering about abuse that has happened within the church. Just like it was everyday run of the mill gossip. And I was horrified.

I am horrified that it is still happening... as a commenter said...

"I will speak to what I know of Erins former religion:

That religion condones and supports pedophilia at its highest levels of power. Currently that religion has at least one preacher that has been sexually abusing children for three generations.

The extended family of that preacher has known of this since at least 1992, and does nothing to rescue the children being currently abused.

The local congregation knows of this, and shamefully does nothing to stop the abuse of children.

The local board of directors at the highest level knows of this, and does nothing, in fact it is worse than nothing, as the board actively supports that preacher, explaining to those who have brought it to their attention that ‘we believe in the forgiveness of sins.’ Really now, the forgiveness of sins. In my view, what that board is saying is that the religion believes in the sexual molestation of children.

And at the highest level of the highest governing board of that religion, when the issue of that preacher is layed at their feet, the response is simply that ‘we are not responsible for his actions.’

You perhaps were unwittingly lending the ‘facade of normalcy’ to that religion, but now you are knowingly providing the ‘facade of normalcy’ to pedophilia."

Once you know... you cannot 'not know'.

I cannot support that. It affects my life, if I was to have children it could affect their life.

I cannot continue along with the facade of normalcy.

I need change.

Good or bad, change has always scared me. But that is a part of life is it not?

Thought of the day:

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change-

This is the rhythm of living.

Out of our over-confidence, fear;

Out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope.

And out of hope, progress."

- Bruce Barton -

Just A Lil Skeptical

2011-08-16T08:53:00.007-05:00

Skepticism (or scepticism) generally refers to any questioning attitude of knowledge, facts, or opinions/beliefs stated as facts, [1] or doubt regarding claims that are taken for granted elsewhere. [2] The word may characterize a position on a single matter, as in the case of religious skepticism, which is "doubt concerning basic religious principles (such as immortality, providence, and revelation)", [3] but philosophical skepticism is an overall approach that requires all new information to be well supported by evidence. *Wikipedia, and Merriam Websters definition

The difference to me, between religious skepticism and philosophical skepticism....

On the religious end, you take what has been told over and over again, generation after generation, and just take it to be true. You accept it because that is what has been drilled into your head since infancy. And if the day comes where you want to find out for yourself, you start to question and doubt what is “true” and what you've been told your whole life... you're on a path of darkness.

On the philosophical end of this spectrum... you take whatever information was handed to you, new, improved, old etc... and you search to find out if it has any truth to it. If its actually legit. You are actually using your brain to come to a conclusion yourself.

So why, when philosophers question and doubt something that was handed to them, it is okay? It is in fact expected of them.

But when religion or faith is doubted... you are a lost soul? To find out for yourself is probably the worst thing you can do.

Why should I take their word? I don't really know them enough to trust them.

To hear something, and automatically take it to be the truth...

You are denying yourself the opportunity to be able to expand yourself.

To hear someone else's version of the “truth” and to take it to be your own, you are not giving the real truth a chance.

In my opinion to be told something and to take it at face value, you are selling yourself short of your intelligence, ability to think for yourself, and opportunity to be able to know more of the world that God created.

In my opinion, there is more to the world then I have seen in my 21 years. A hell of a lot more.

Just because someone told me that my old church is the only one accepted into heaven, doesn't mean that I will just take it as it is. I think I'm going to have to do a little more research on this one..

Even if I am going to hell in their opinion.

At least they're not going to hell for me!

Someone told me that they will pray that God will awaken my heart... And I appreciate those prayers.

Because He has.

Since childhood, I've been primmed, pressed, and told what is correct, what is wrong. With my peers, with my old church.

Out of everything that I was told... I think I should find out for myself and not just take their word for it. For all I know, they very well may have been lying to me all these years.

Thought of the day:

“The truth you believe and cling to

makes you unavailable to hear anything new”

-Pema Chodrun

I Can See

2011-08-15T12:24:00.002-05:00

I have lived in the past.

I can see where I was living. I know where I was.

The great thing about being able to see where you were, is that you can see where you want to go.

I know what could have been for me.

I know what my life was...

I know what can be for me.

I know what my future holds.

I know what my future can be.

I know how to go forward and live for me.

I know how to go forward and think for me.

I know what darkness can feel like.

I know what sunshine can feel like...

Thought of the day:

"To believe in God or in a guiding force because
someone tells you to is the height of stupidity.
We are given senses to receive our information with.
With our own eyes we see,
and with our own skin we feel.
With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand.
But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself."

- Sophy Burnham -

*Both pictures taken by me

The Lizard And The Toad

2011-08-13T20:58:00.005-05:00

I've experienced the weirdest thing...

While going outside to enjoy the "fresh air", I had to of course wait, as usual, to see if any lizards were waiting to sneak inside the house. And as usual I then quickly rush out the door.

There is always one or two (luckily I haven't had to step on one yet).

But this time, one was on the wall, on the brick. Every time I would make a move, it would scurry away, faster and faster to it's crack between the bricks. They are fast little buggers, and they blend in with the brick perfectly so sometimes its hard to see them.

So here I am just looking at its tail, the last little part peeking out, and my head is arched all the way back to look at the corner of the roof and the wall... and I see it.

Another lizard.

This one is on the ceiling (outside)... upside down... looking at me. I know its just a tiny lizard, but they are so creepy to me.

However, this one is white. The color of the paint, with just a tint of pink to his skin.

Taking a breath, I decided to sit down and watch it. Slowly, it started to crawl to the corner of the wall and the ceiling... and as it started to descend down the wall... It changed its colors automatically to blend in with the brick.

I've always heard that they change colors... but I've never seen it.

They change their colors so fast to blend in with their surroundings.

They change their colors to protect themselves.

They change their colors to protect their little lizard families.

I've always heard of these things happening... but have never experienced it first hand.

I didn't realize how quickly they will change to blend in with their surroundings, to protect themselves and others.

. . .

Now here comes the toad.

The other night I was walking inside after finishing a bout of fresh air... and I looked down and there was the BIGGEST toad I have ever seen in my life. Probably the biggest one in the world.

And there it sat.

At the corner of the house, on the sidewalk...

It didn't care of its surroundings, it didn't care that a human was one step away from hurting it. It did not change, or blend, or alter its appearance. It just sat and stared at the lizard.

The lizard that was waiting for that damned door to open, so it could sneak inside.

There sat the lizard. There sat the toad.

The lizard was blending in perfectly with the brick, just waiting for its moment to scurry into its crack in the wall to hide.

The toad just sat there. Waiting and not caring. Waiting to pounce on the lizard.

Now, I wish I could tell you how this ended... but unfortunately the human decided to walk inside... and one slithered away, and one hopped away.

I have a feeling who would have become the victor... But for now, I do not know.

Thoughts of the day:

"If you do not tell the truth about yourself,
You cannot tell it about other people."

- Virginia Woolf -

..... and because I liked this one so much .....

"Listen.
Or your tongue will make you deaf."

- Native American Proverb -

The Ugly Mirror

2011-08-13T10:38:00.003-05:00

Toss, turn, roll over, flip, check the clock, flop back down.

Yeah, it was one of those nights.

Alarm clock off at 7 on the dot. . . roll over shut it off.

Wake up at 7:45. Put on my hat and out the door.

I can almost hear your shocked silence.

. . . I am shocked too . . .

Enywho, away we went to hit up the garage sales. Kind of a bust today, not much out there.

Although I did find a really ugly mirror. It was really heavy too. But even ugly mirrors need a home right?

WRONG!

I actually would have bought it and spray painted it if it didn't weigh a gagillion pounds! It seriously wasn't that attractive. Either way tho, my horoscope told me I would want to purchase something today, but to wait and see if I can get a better deal...

Well, pretty sure I can.

There's a TON of crap I do want to buy. I keep running into the same to issues tho. No one wants to give me money for free, and I cant seem to fit anything else in storage.

Its a hard life.

Truly it is.

Either way, the sun is beaming. BIG SURPRISE! Seriously, it is amazing tho! Today is the "last" day of the 2 week long heat advisory...

I moved to Minnesota in the coldest month of the year.

I move to Texas in the hottest month of the year, under a heat advisory.

If Texas is in a heat advisory... its gotta be hot. (I am not complaining tho!!!)

I guess I can only go big or go home!!!

Thought of the day:

"Do or do not.
There is no 'try'. "

- Yoda -

To Hear The Truth

2011-08-12T21:49:00.003-05:00

When words are said, they cannot be unsaid.

When truth comes out, you cannot not know.

If you chose to listen, if you chose to hear, the truth is there.

You cannot change the truth, you cannot hide the truth.

The truth lies all around you.

It is in the air you breathe, the scent of the flowers, the smell of the wind, the sun in the sky. It is in the cry of a loved one, it is in the giggle of a child.

If one doesn't choose to see, doesn't choose to read, doesn't choose to hear... all that is left is feigned ignorance.

Or maybe ignorance.

To have to hurt. To have to cry. To have pain. And no one hear.

What will it take?

How many times does it have to be said to be heard?

What will it take to hear the truth?

To have the same questions posed over and over, it gets quite exhausting. If one doesn't want to hear the first time... I cannot help them.

Thought of the day:

"The greatest of faults,
I should say,
is to be conscious of none."

- Thomas Carlyle -

My Loves

2011-08-11T20:52:00.002-05:00

I love the fact that its 9 o'clock at night and it is still 85 degrees out.

I love the fact that the neighborhood comes out at 11 o'clock at night to finally play outside.

I love the fact that its not a wall of humidity when you step outside.

I love the fact that they sell Texas Pete hot sauce at the local grocery store.

I love the fact that my nieces are able to learn who I am.

I love the fact that I cannot throw a pillow on the carpet as good as my niece.

I love the fact that she has no problem voicing her opinions.

I love the fact that I am able to now voice my opinions as she is able to do.

I love the fact that I am not afraid anymore to say what I truly feel.

I love the fact that I will continue to speak even when told to be quiet.

I love the fact that I had 4 calls for interviews today.

I love the fact that I was able to connect on another level with one of my best friends today.

I love the fact that I'm flagged as being from "the north" when out and about.

I love the fact that it makes me want to talk even more like I come straight from Canada.

I love the fact that I am surrounded by love and happiness.

I love the fact that I am able to learn about my sister-in-law more and love her.

I love the fact that my niece growls at me and loves my hair as much as I do.

I love the fact that God has brought me here for a reason.

I love the fact that every day I am still learning and growing.

I love the fact that I'm realizing that there is more then one veil covering my face.

I love the fact that I get to take them off layer by layer.

I love the fact that I love life.

Thought of the day:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best,
night and day, to make you everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight;
and never stop fighting."

- e. e. cummings -

Moving Forward

2011-08-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

Welp.

THAT was a learning experience.

I wonder why, at the closing arguments, people are always "bitter" and "angry"... It doesn't make sense to me. If being honest constitutes as being angry and bitter, then maybe the truth hits too close to home.

I don't think everyone is "horrible". Actions and hurtful words are terrible. To attack is terrible. But to speak the truth is honest.

I look for truth, the truth that is covered and hidden by those who do not wish for it to be found.

I look for the truth in myself that has been buried long ago.

As someone once told me "I trust in God, and I rely on the truth".

Someone asked me why don't I just move on with my life? Why dwell on it?

I am. And I'm telling my story on the way. I'm learning. I'm growing. I did not ask you to come with me, or to peer into my life.

It seems to me, that words are being put into my mouth. I have not said that the FALC is a cult.

Although I DO believe it is...

I hadn't said it until now.

When having a conversation with a few different individuals about leaving the church, and when talking about the abuse that is happening... I was told "Do not worry about it. It shouldn't affect you going to church. That shouldn't stop you from going."

Ummm......

WHAT?

To sit in silence and know what is happening... does not sit well with me.

I was raised with morals, principals, and a concept of right and wrong.

I am moving on with my life. I am DISCOVERING life for the first time.

I am discovering God can be a loving God. He doesn't just exist in a Church. He surrounds me. He LOVES me.

He gave me a voice to speak, he gave me words to write.

And he brought me to happiness.

If you don't think I am happy, then you do not know me.

As someone said... Go, part in peace and move on with our lives.

I am. I'm moving forward.

Thought of the day:

"Life can only be understood backwards,
But it must be lived forwards."

- Kierkegaard -

Unwritten Rules

2011-08-10T17:46:00.003-05:00

Rules, Regulations, Guidelines, Restrictions.

Call it what you want.

One may argue that there is no such "rules" that its not allowed to dye your hair, wear makeup, pierce your ears, go to the movies, go to dances...

There doesn't have to be a written rule.

Because the unwritten rules are covering the walls of the church, they are all over the faces people who walk through. They are in the voices of those who talk about it.

In my experience, and yes it is my experience, I have heard countless times of girls or guys talking about so and so who had makeup on. Or who clearly had holes in their ears. Or who they heard was at the bar, or seen at the club.

I've even had someone comment on my outfit wondering if it was a "joke".

Whether its a written rule or not. It is clear to anyone who has attended the FALC, or any split of the FALC, that its not okay to wear makeup etc. to church or to any church gathering.

If you say its okay if you do so, and no one judges them for doing it... Then I ask you... WHY on COUNTLESS times have girls scrubbed their nails, and washed their faces before going to church on Sunday? They do it on every other day of the week. Why hide it on Sunday?

Why do they hide and NEVER talk about what movie they saw last weekend when they were at the theater. Why do they have to hide their TV in the bedroom?

Because they are afraid of being judged by the church and the people they socialize with.

Because they think its "wrong" or a "sin".

Because the church has groomed them from childhood that all these things are bad and they are "worldly" if they partake in any of these things.

I was told by someone while sitting in church after a wedding to "bite my nails" because I had polish on them.

My response?... God sees me every day... Not just when I am in a church.

I've been told by several different people that they have been brought up to see the world as "evil". And these are people still "in faith".

(I quote in faith because I have been told that I am no longer "in faith".. So I guess I'm trying to figure out what they mean by this... as its seemed to have taken on a different meaning if they seem to know that I am not "in faith.")

The FALC seems on the outside to be a non judgmental church and welcoming to everyone. But on the inside I've experienced judgment and have been shunned... and on the outside now as well.

I've always been told that it is not our place to believe for someone else or to judge someone else... But in having conversations in the past with other peers, I have heard ridicule, judgment, and have heard where they think people will end up at the end of their life.

I have even heard judgment coming from the pulpit, and believe you me, I have most certainly opened my ears those last few months.

No one has to say that its not okay, and that its a rule.

Because when you look around at church on Sunday, how many people do you see with makeup on, or earrings in?

That is the unwritten rule.

When a newcomer comes in on Sunday, with makeup and tattoos... how many walk up? And how many stare? They feel it in the air. They feel the tension. They feel awkward.

They see the rules... Because they can read the rules that are written all over the church, and the people in it.

Thought of the day:

"Controversy is only dreaded
by the advocates of error."

- Benjamin Rush -

Walk of light

2011-08-09T22:09:00.002-05:00

She walks down the aisle... headed towards the first day of the rest of her life.

Her veil covers her face, the closer she gets he becomes clearer and clearer to her. But she cannot quite see him fully yet. The faces at the end of the aisle are still hazy, unclear, blurry.

As she steps up to the alter, he steps forward and her veil is lifted from her face.

As her eyes open wide, she sees his face clear for the first time. She sees how it all came together. She looks around and sees the beauty of the church. The flowers that are decorating the alter, the pews, she sees for the first time the wonder that surrounds her.

She looks to her left, to her right, to her future, and she sees clearly for the first time the love that surrounds her. The people that came to celebrate her happiness, for her. She looks into the faces of those who are there to be with her from this day forward.

There is no looking back, for shes realized that this is her life. This is her happiness, her love, her life. There is nothing else she has wanted other than this.

Before, she couldn't understand, couldn't comprehend. But now she does. As a beautiful person once told her "when you know better, you do better".

Then the veil was lifted. And her eyes were opened. She saw the world.

Its a wonder she didn't realize sooner... Its a wonder she waited until now to finally see the full truth.

She is ready. She whispers "bring it on", as she turns to the world.

She looks to her left, to her right. He is no longer standing there.

She doesn't see the flowers or the pews as she turns around.

Instead, she sees the world. For the first time.

Clear, she sees what was behind her, and realizes that there is so much more. And its right in front of her. She looks on and can still see the people who came. The many who came to cheer her on.

She sees all that there is to offer.

She drops the veil to the ground.

Picks up her dress, and runs.

Runs towards what the world has to offer, because when you truly know what you want, you cannot wait another day to get it.

Thought of the day:

"You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby that might be so
I might get to the end of my life
Find out everyone was lying
I don't think that I'm afraid anymore
I say that I would rather die trying"

- Truth No. 2, Patty Griffin -

Confusion

2011-08-09T16:03:00.003-05:00

There seems to be some debate about my journey.

My journey.

I've never once said that my path was the only path. I will not say that.

What I will say is my path is the correct path for ME. No one else.

I guess there seems to be some confusion on what is being said. People can only get what they want from what I write. I cannot make it clearer that this is my journey, and its for me.

No one else.

If someone doesn't like what is read on here, then I suggest that they do not read it.

I've never said this was the only way... Its my way.

I also suggest that if someone is okay with writing their opinion in a comment, then they should be okay with putting their name so who I know who is commenting. If everyone posts anonymous then I don't know if its all from one person, or many different people. If you still don't feel putting your name, then I please ask not to comment and just email me.

I am confident in my choice, it doesn't mean that I am trying to persuade people to come my way. Its to find the truth that is my life.

Thought of the day:

"A successful person is one who can lay a firm
foundation with the bricks that others throw at him"

- David Brinkley -

MINE

2011-08-08T23:12:00.004-05:00

Why is it so wrong for me to think what I want.
Why is it so wrong for me to say what I want.
Why is it so wrong for me to believe what I believe.
Why is it so wrong for me to be where I am at today?

Its not wrong for me to think what I want.
Its not wrong for me to say what I want.
Its not wrong for me to believe what I believe.
Its not wrong for me to be where I am at today.

I made my decision on MY own.

I emphasize because it was done by ME.

Not by anyone else. I decided to be where I am at. I decided to leave. I decided to do what I wanted and what I felt was best for me.

If someone else made this decision... It would most likely be a first for me. When it comes to major decisions in my life I'm not usually swayed by someone else too easily.

If my decision was made by someone else... I would've been gone long before now.

With any major decision there are major questions, thoughts, doubts. Feelings of being lonesome, scared, terrified. Its not like I haven't gone through every emotion. Its not like I haven't gone through every scenario or rationalized and analyzed every thought in my head.

Because I have. And this is my outcome. This is where I am at.

I'm finding the truth. The truth that is me.

That is life.

That is the people that I once thought were there for me. Where are they now?

Through thick and thin. Great times and hard times. Ups and downs. Me as me, you as you. No judgment right?

Right?...

Looking back, there definitely were good times, great times... Memories that I've always thought would last a lifetime. They still might... but they kind of disappear when the people do. They don't seem as meaningful anymore.

Was it just superficial?

You don't have to answer that. I'm finding out the truth on my own.

As they say, "The truth will set you free"

And I'm feeling it.

Thought of the day:

"The truth that makes us free,
is always ticking away like a time bomb,
in the basement of everybody's church."

- Robert Farrar Capon -

eta: Threads for this post are closed.

It's About Honesty

2011-08-07T20:12:00.002-05:00

On our way down to Texas, we stopped for the night in Oklahoma. It was a little Super 8 motel.

Kinda sketch.

So in order to take our minds off of the HUGE spider I killed in the corner of the room, we watched one of those movies that don't have any commercials. So therefore we couldn't catch the name of it until we got a hold of Google later.

It was a super cute movie, you should really watch it.

Anywho. I loved the Grandpa in the movie. Super cute gent, watching out for his grandson and making sure he becomes the man he can be.

He tells him "Its about honesty, sometimes a little discomfort in the beginning can save a lot of pain down the road." -Flipped

This really couldn't be any closer to the truth.

Now, nobody is perfect, and everyone tells a lie now and again. Not all the time is it that we stand up exactly for what is right, sometimes if the situation is uncomfortable we tend to just go with what the common opinion is.

But that doesn't make it right.

Something I've definitely learned since my New Beginning. When it comes to whats right and wrong, or what is morally right and wrong to you, its easier to just take the common road, even if you don't agree. BUT more often then not, its dissatisfying, and over time you tend to see yourself change.

You look in the mirror one day and you wonder what happened. Where did you go. And if the day comes where you have to face your past, face what you did or didn't do...

Oftentimes it's a whole lot more painful then if you would've faced the truth in the beginning. If you only would have stood up for what you believed in from the start. As uncomfortable as it may have been, or it may be, once its all said and done you feel as if the weight of the world was taken off your shoulders.

From that point on, its easier to make the correct decisions, and take your own path. When you come to a crossroads again, it doesn't seem that bad because you've been there before and you know the end result.

The easier road isn't always the best road.

Actually, it hardly is. Most of the time, the most gratifying and fulfilling things come from the harder road. Or the road less traveled.

When truths are hidden, and lies and deceit are piled one on top of the other, it seems to me that a person tends to become unhealthy and it just becomes a way of life. It eats them whole, to the point that there seems to be no escape.

I'll take discomfort.

I don't want to be eaten alive.

Thought of the day:

"A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet,
strangely and beautifully,
rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape
and left out the lie."

- Charles Edward Montague -

Getting Settled

2011-08-06T20:05:00.003-05:00

I tend to look too much into the future...

And I get quite stressed out about it. I mean, I just got down here, and I have an interview for next week, and a meeting with the temp agency as well. Great news I know. That's what I wanted right?!

But when I think about it I start to worry and freak out... Will I like it there? Will I get along with the people? Would I catch on? blah blah blah blah blah! Ive been here before, and it's always worked out. I've had the same feelings, same worries. But they come every time.

Why?

Because I get too ahead of myself. I have to remind myself. . . EVERYDAY that I have to take each day as it comes. Otherwise I'll just get too stressed out about it. It is sweet tho, there is really a lot of jobs around here!

On another note, Texas is like a whole different country. There's America. Then there's Texas.
I heard today, and I quote "Texas is the greatest country in America." It makes me laugh!

I'm very excited to get settled into our own place soon. Once we all find a job and get established I will finally be able to unpack and stop living out of a suitcase. That has been my life for the past 30 days and counting. But actually being here makes a huge difference. Its feeling more real.

The best thing tho, is just living my life here the way I want to live it. I mean I've done that anyways, but just doing I want to do just for the heck of it.

Living freely...

And loving it.

Thought of the day:

"Doing what you like is freedom.
Liking what you do is happiness."

- Frank Tyger -

Its all relative

2011-08-05T21:59:00.005-05:00

Normal.
Normalcy.
The norm.

What is normal?
What is accepted?
If it is accepted by your peers does it then become normal?
If it is not typically said, or done, is it not normal?
As long as you say and do as is accepted by "your society" is it normal?
If you get angry and make a scene that has never been made are you not normal?
Is it normal to keep all your feelings and opinions and thoughts to yourself?
Is it not normal to speak your mind in a society that doesn't let you have your own?

(I'm getting to the point where I've typed normal too many times and it doesn't seem like a real word anymore! That aint normal!)

nor-mal
adjective
1. conforming to the standard or common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural,
2. serving to establish a standard.

Well. There you have it. Normal is relative.

If you live in a society where everyone eats the bark off of trees instead of the fruit, you're not normal if you eat the apple instead of the bark. (Little extreme but you know)

Actually, its not that extreme.

If you live in a society where everyone keeps secrets. Where everyone refuses to speak the truth. Where everyone KNOWS what is right. What is wrong. But nobody does anything to change it. Nobody makes any efforts to put a stop to the lies. It is normal. You are a part of THEIR NORMALCY.

If you decide to speak out. Know the truth. Understand the truth. And live the truth. You aint normal boo boo. There is definitely something wrong with you.

As long as you conform to your societies way of life, way of living. Then you are "their normal". You fit in. You are one of them.

And thats great for you. If that's what you want.

But since normal is relative -- Really, REALLY, all you have to do is be who you need to be. Say what you need to say. (I'm now singing that John Mayer song)

"Normal is in the eye of the beholder" - Whoopi Goldberg

I've decided to conform to my own version of normal.

It aint no big thang really.

Thought of the day:

"You can bend it and twist it..
You can misuse it and abuse it..
But even God cannot change the truth."

- Michael Levy -

They Called Her Crazy...

2011-08-04T22:27:00.005-05:00

Three days.

1,259 miles.

Three packs of cigarettes.

And we've reached our destination.

It's been quite the trip. Quite the experiences. I've definitely learned that the further south you go, the more kindness you see from complete strangers. More so than you see where I come from. (Or as we used to call it at work "southern hospitality")

I feel so burnt out from the drive, that I feel like I need to just relax for a few days. I've only been doing that for a month now, I deserve a break from my break. I know it sounds ludicrous, but honestly, it was a really tiring drive! But in all reality, I am bearing down and looking for a job!

The one thing I wanted to share with you from my trip was our stop at the Glore Psychiatric Museum in St Joesph, Missouri. One of the most... (I actually don't have a word for what it was) experiences of my life.

All over the museum was devices and theories and techniques that the doctors used to "cure" the patients. Really to me all it was, was a giant torture chamber that was legal. The lack of knowledge of the human brain, and the human body that these doctors and physicians had is sad, because these patients were the ones who had to suffer from it.

There was was exhibit that really got to me.

It was the artwork that was done by one of the patients, she was a schizophrenic patient. They had her do embroidery to "keep her busy" while she was in the ward.

Her artwork now hangs framed in the hallway.

In her work, she's put her thoughts, feelings, she has even made up words. She has conversations and she talks about her life. Whether it was before, or during her stay in the institution, I know it was real.

I had a really hard time reading this woman's thoughts. At one point I had to step away. My head started pounding, I couldn't catch a breath, and started to get this feeling I still cannot exactly pin point.

Even now, I have the urge to cry when thinking about this woman. The closest I can get to what I was feeling and thinking is this.

She wasn't crazy.

She had feelings. She had a life. She had dreams and LOVED.

Even though her words are scattered, and some are made up. She had a common theme.
She wasn't just "rambling" she wasn't just "crazy" and what she said wasn't just "nonsense". It didn't need to be "dismissed".

She talked about being lonely. She talked about her wedding, and her dress. She speaks her wedding vows, and talks about getting married in the summer. She tells how she misses him, and that she is waiting for him to come. She knew.

My feeling is that she was about to get married before she was placed in the institution. Or she just did. But either way, her words were more then just words.

They were telling a story.

She was telling HER story. Her life. Her diary.

They didn't want to hear her.

They called her crazy, but she wasn't anymore then them.

Thought of the day:

"The truth that makes men free,
is for the most part the truth
which men prefer not the hear."

- Herbert Agar -

My Voice

2011-08-01T14:00:00.002-05:00

People have told me that I am in search for something.

Well, they would know.

Its kind of comical... or sad... I'm not sure which yet. But the thing is, no matter what is thought of me, I don't care.

In my so called "search" what I found (wasn't quite looking for) but found none the less is my voice. My song.

I've found out that I too have a story to share, and I too can let it be known. I've realized that I don't have to play by the rules anymore. In fact, playing by the rules brought me down.

I make my own rules.

I do not have to live by the rules of my former church. This is bad, this is good, you can do this on that day. You can do this but only so much. Its really confusing let me tell you. I don't even want to go to much into it. But you get the gist.

I would much rather play my own game. I am the referee and I make the shots. I no longer have to live by everyone's expectations of me.

Basically what I'm trying to say is...
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

On a side note, I've had the opportunity to meet two of the most amazing people I will ever meet. You cannot get much luckier than that.

Thought of the day:

"Friendships begin because,
even without words,
we understand how someone feels."

- Joan Walsh Anglund -

Learning

2011-08-01T01:31:00.004-05:00

I've always been told that you learn something new every day. Well. That really couldn't be any closer to the truth. The thing is, as human beings whether we know it or not we learn, grow, and establish new bits of information every single day. Today I think I've worked on myself enough to last me a good week or two. But I've learned quite a bit all the same.

Along with coming to the realization that I can be who I want to be, and do what I want to do without having to answer to anybody... I've realized that most people just don't care. Most people just love to get what they can out of whatever they can, just so they are able to turn around to the next person and gossip about what they know. Why? Damned if I know.

The bottom line is, is that people want to know whats going on in everyone's lives, but they don't CARE about whats going on in everyone's life. As long as it makes for good conversation at coffee, its good for them. Now, don't get me wrong, its natural to be curious... but why care so much about knowing what is going on in other peoples lives if you have no intention to see how they are doing? If you don't care about me, then I don't think I'm going to care for you.

As the song goes "Talk is cheap when the story is good, and the tales grow taller on down the line." Don't I know it.

People always have their own version of every story. A story they hear passed from one person to the next. And they always believe it because its the first version they have heard, there couldn't be anything different. Why wouldn't it be true?

Well here's MY version of MY story. The story that I know you don't care about and the story that you will read and gossip about later. Probably twisted and turned around. It always is. People refuse to get information from the horses mouth, because they are the LAST person who will tell you the truth.

Since my NEW BEGINNING, I've definitely come to realize those who matter and those who don't. Those who have cared from the beginning and those who have waited until the bitter end to finally "care". Since my NEW BEGINNING I've realized once and for all, that peoples true colors show in tough times, and its the ones who stick by through it all that are the ones who you need to cling to your side.

Thought of the day:

"If you always do what interests you,
at least one person is pleased."

- Katharine Hepburn -

21 Years

2011-07-26T22:55:00.004-05:00

Day one: Birth. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Year one: Got a whole cake to myself. Could I be any luckier?

Year two: I probably invented the phrase "terrible two's"

Year three: no longer considered a "toddler"

Year four: Developed a scar and dent on the side of my head from 14 staples and a softball

Year five: I would typically call this preschool, but as I didn't go, I'll call this staying at home with mom time

Year six: I FINALLY get to ride on the school bus!

Year seven: I learn to appreciate Elvis from my first grade teacher

Year eight: Will go down in the books for being the year I was the only one in my class to get an "A" on our grammar test. (I think it went downhill from there)

Year nine: In a new school, and almost done with barbies

Year ten: FINALLY in the double digits

Year eleven: Found a love for Harry Potter (I think its time to rekindle that love)

Year twelve: Junior high. Nuff sed

Year thirteen: I'm now a teenager. Practically an adult

Year fourteen: Finding my passion for volleyball

Year fifteen: Loving High School, just as I always imagined

Year sixteen: The looong awaited drivers license. I'm finally free. First job at Bakers Square as well

Year seventeen: Graduated early from High School, and no regrets

Year eighteen: Moved to another state by myself. Oh and able to buy cigarettes legally.

Year nineteen: Found myself with my first real job. Full time. Independent. Just as I always wanted.

Year twenty: Still waiting to feel like I was truly independent. Still expecting to be called home after being out until 3am on a "school night".

Year twenty one: Moving to Texas. Unemployed. Homeless. And loving every bit of life.

-I know I'm a half hour early, but I will be without a computer for a few days-

Thought of the day:

"All of our dreams can come true,
if we have the courage to pursue them"

- Walt Disney -

"People Are Crazy"

2011-07-25T22:49:00.003-05:00

Like Billy Currington says, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."
While in the middle of a conversation tonight, the phrase "crazy people" came out. Immediately, (Yes immediately because lets be honest, nothing that I do is typically slow paced, except getting up in the morning) what popped into my head was the lyrics to Billy Currington's song People Are Crazy.

I am now going to break this one down.

God IS great. All through my life, God has given me the strength to keep moving forward and keep going. He has lead me to people who have encouraged me even when I was at my lowest. Even when I didn't realize why they were brought into my life, realization soon came to me that there was a purpose. This also brings me to the cause and effect of "chain of events".
(This might get long winded so be aware.)

When thinking about the chain of events that led you to where you are today, or has led me to where I am today... I cant help but wonder, (now I sound like Carrie Bradshaw) that if a certain "thing" or event didn't happen, whether at some point in your life you would end up in the same spot. Does that make sense? That maybe POSSIBLY you still would be where you're at if the certain event did in fact happen? That maybe somehow, you would be brought to the same spot, even if it happened down the road somewhere, but served the same purpose. That some things sometimes just HAVE to come to a head, it needs to come to a crossroads. (This may only make sense to me...many things usually do, so in that case I'm going to move forward)

Beer is good. Well, the thing with beer is, if it tastes anything like it smells, I'll leave that one to the experts. I have a thing with smells, and that does NOT smell good to me. (I think I just threw up in my mouth just thinking of how it smells.)

People are crazy. Of this I have no doubt. I believe every one is a little crazy. No I don't mean the nut house crazy. Just plain ole simple nuts. They need to dig juuuuusst deep enough to find theirs. If someone reading this is to get offended, then I just might say case closed. I have not one doubt that I'm not 100% sane. You may or may not either, that's up to you to decide. You show me someone who isn't crazy, and I'll show you a fortune.

--Now because I don't think I've drawn on enough yet I'm gonna change the radio station--

.... actually .... I'll save that for another day.

Thought of the day:

"Rest satisfied with doing well,
and leave others to talk of you
as they will"

- Pythagoros -

Realizations

2011-07-24T17:40:00.005-05:00

Since I've been at home I've realized a few things that I was not aware of before. I've learned that playing the game board Scrabble is not the same as playing Words With Friends on your smart phone. When you play it on the phone it tells you when the word you entered is in fact a made up word. When you play the board game, you apparently just cant keep looking in the word book to make sure your wordage is legit. Speaking of words, I've learned that "nth" is in fact a word. No, that wasn't a misspelling. Nth: the indefinitely large or small quantity represented by n. I'm pretty excited to use this word, still not sure what it means. But it has no vowels.

In small towns, there's always a Walmart. I'm not knocking small towns, or Walmarts for that matter. It just strikes me as funny because I've been to Walmart just about everyday for a week straight, and I still have the need to go back for more. The thing about Walmart, is that it basically holds just about your every need. The other thing about small towns and Walmart is, is that in the small time I've been here, I'm starting to recognize people there. No not the workers, well I do recognize them, but the people who live in town. I've been recognizing them as well. Maybe they have the same compulsive need to buy discount or on sale as I do.

Another thing I've learned is that the hit T.V. series Rosanne is quite hilarious. I know I've seen it in the past, but I didn't think to be quite as funny as I do now. Thank goodness for DVR, I have the ability to watch them even after they aired on regular scheduled programing. The thing of it is, its a family living day to day. It just portrays the reality of everyday life... maybe in a little more dark, sarcastic and blunt way. But that's what makes it so funny.

Something else I've realized is that I'm leaving for Texas in 9 days. 9. NINE. The other day we sat down and made up our game plan for the trip down. When we will leave, what time, how many days we will take to drive down there etc. And then it hit me. I am moving across country in nine days. Sure I haven't been working for the month, so I've had time to prepare and to pack, say my goodbyes and whatnot. But as it's happened before... I was pumped to move to Minnesota but a few days before go time I started freaking out. As I am right now. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Minnesota. It was amazing. But I'm getting that same "whattheheckamIdoingwhydidntIkeepmyjobwhatamIgoingtodonow" feeling. It'll work out. It always does. I know if I decided to stay, which I'm not, I would regret what if, or what could have been. And I can't live my life wondering where I could have been or what I could have been.

Thought of the day:

"Sometimes you've got to jump off cliffs,
and grow wings on the way down."

- Ray Bradbury-

Pros and Cons

2011-07-22T14:01:00.003-05:00

There are many things that I'm STOKED about when it comes to moving to Texas...

For one I wont have to deal with blizzards and shoveling snow anymore. If I can survive 3 Minnesota winters I'm pretty sure I can survive whatever heat will come my way. I have no idea the heat I will have to take down there, one person tells me its a "dry" heat, and the next will tell me its very humid. I guess that's just one more thing I will have to figure out myself.

I get the chance to reconnect with my brother and his family that we will be staying with until we find a place of our own. I have yet to meet my new niece, who is probably starting kindergarten by now, and her big sister may not remember who we are! Although I hope she does! She will know her aunties by the time we move that's for sure. (She may even be sick of us, we tend to be a bit overwhelming sometimes)

I get the chance to live with my two sisters, who apparently are not open to sharing closets... I guess I'll just have to go shopping more.

I will have the opportunity to meet new people, with the hope that I find a job down there.
Actually strike that. WHEN I find a job I WILL be able to meet new people. At first when I decided to move to Texas, I was worried about meeting people and whatnot, but now it really doesn't concern me too much. It's all a new experience and it will be fine. I like to think I'm a pretty sociable person.

I'm mostly excited to see a whole different part of the country that I've never been able to experience before. New culture and new landscape. I'm anticipating it to be very different from the mid west. I hope I wont be disappointed.

Now, while I'm pumped to be writing a new chapter in the book that is my life, there's a few things that I'm not too excited about....

I have to leave my friends and family here in the mid west. I don't really know anything else then what is here. Someone once told me that its rare to see people who were born and raised in the mid west to leave. But I feel like that you would find that with any part of the country.

I have to meet new people and make new relationships. Yes I know I just said above that it doesn't concern me too much. But the key phrase is "too much". I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all. And if you know me, remember to when we first met... I wasn't the loud vocal person you know now, was I?

Learning my way around a new town. If there is anything I am horrible at. It's directions. It runs in the blood. If you tell me go east, I'll more than likely go south, then west. If you tell me to take the highway north, I'll probably make "L's" with my thumb and pointer finger on both hands. Left, right, forward, reverse will suffice. In the town where I grew up, all the roads were parallel and the lake was east. Easiest method for directions ever! I propose every town lay the roads like this and make a lake that is to the east so people know where they're going.

ANNNND, last but not least.... finding a job. The one thing I hate is starting a new job. You have to learn from scratch. Learn your position, your duties, whats okay, whats not okay. If I could just fast forward the first 2 months of a new job I would in a heartbeat. Nothing is worse then stumbling and blubbering your way through until you find your routine and actually KNOW what your doing!

Thought for the day:

"No one can depress you.
No one can make you anxious.
No on can hurt your feelings.
No one can make you anything
other than what you allow inside."
-Author Unknown-

Counting Down

2011-07-21T13:54:00.002-05:00

As the days counting down to my birthday ... the big 21 ... draws to a close, I cannot help but think about the things I have yet to experience. Things I THOUGHT would happen by this time when I was younger.

*Please keep in mind... some of these I'm happy have not happened yet, some I am not*

1. I thought I'd be married
- In 8th grade a teacher had us write down where we thought we would be by age 20... That was my answer
2. I thought I'd have traveled outside of the U.S.
- Besides international waters in Canada... I don't think that counts
3. I've never seen the Grand Canyon
- Its 21 hours to the Grand Canyon from where I live right now. To where I am moving to in Texas, its also 21 hours. I know. I Google Mapped it. I'm not any closer yet.
4. I've never been snowboarding/skiing
- Although I do consider myself a very skilled sledder
5. I haven't been on T.V.
- Who doesn't want their 15 minutes of fame?!
6. I thought I would know exactly where my life was going
- MAN that was a big miscalculation. I actually thought my life map was accurate.
7. I thought I would have started my own business
- There is still plenty of time for that
8. I haven't been to the ocean
- OKAY I have... BUT the water was so dirty and gross that I swore I was swimming in Lake Michigan instead of being in Maine.
9. I haven't seen a whale
- I have a thing for Free Willy
10. I haven't said I love you other than to a family member
- I love love!

Things I have done include...

1. I've been on a cross country road trip to Maine
- Highly recommend it.
2. Moved away from home
- Land of 10,000 lakes (or ponds)
3. Moved out of the mid west
- Technically I'm not moving until after my birthday (does that still count?)
4. Stood up for my beliefs, principals, and myself
- Some people go their whole life without speaking up, and that makes me sad
5. Rode on all of the rides at Six Flags Great America
- If you've been on a roller coaster with me, you understand that accomplishment.
6. Won a game of Words With Friends
- Whoop Whoop!!!
7. Played travel volleyball
- If you don't already love the game, gimme a call
8. Became fully independent by the age of 18
-Some people don't, and I love doing it all myself
9. Stopped biting my nails
-Its a horrible habit
10. Stopped caring what everyone else thinks about me
- People often spend too much time worrying about others because the don't have nearly enough time in a day to work on themselves.

Sorry to bore
But I'm kinda a big deal

Saying Goodbye

2011-07-20T09:53:00.003-05:00

Goodbyes are just as hard for me as they are the next person.

This past week my sisters and I were fortunate enough to spend the week together before my two sisters and I leave for Texas.

Now, I'd love to tell you it was a perfect weekend with no bickering or fighting at all. BUT... I managed to piss just about each one off. (That's what I do!)

Ü

It doesn't bother me at all, and it doesn't bother them... (I think.... I might get an angry phone call after this...)

At the end of the day we are sisters, and the petty shit really doesn't matter.
These girls are my soul mates, my best friends, my lifelines.

With us -- goodbye isn't an option. Its just see ya later.

"If you don't understand how a woman can both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time... then you were probably an only child."

Thoughts

2011-07-19T11:02:00.003-05:00

Someone recently wrote me a letter and in this letter they told me in regards to my choice of lifestyle that...

"People who leave will often search their entire life for something their missing, but wont ever find true peace because they already had it."

A few things come to mind with this ... either

1. They are truly ignorant to believe there is only one way to be happy
2. They themselves are unhappy
3. They don't know how to think for themselves

The problem is this.

Its being insinuated that I am searching for something... I don't know where that came from.
Its being insinuated that I had true peace before... I don't know where that came from.
And its being insinuated that I will be unhappy because of MY choice. Well that one just makes me laugh.

My search -- if there was one -- is done. The second my decision was made Ive been happier and without second thoughts.

If I had true peace before Ive made my decision, then I cannot help but feel sorry. For if true peace is a life filled with lies, hypocrisy, and judgment... Then Ill take the other option.

Happiness is your choice. Happiness is MY choice. And I choose to be happy.
And in a way, it hurts to be told "Don't let your pride get in the way" or "IF you decide that you want to come back we will welcome you with open arms." -- but not until that happens?

I feel that this person is trying to rob me of my right to my own choices... and is saying as a HUMAN BEING my natural born right to have a brain and have my own thoughts is invalid. That I should just shut my mouth and listen. Don't ask questions.

If you know me. That is not what I am capable of doing.

And quite frankly, that really does not sit well with me, but alas, neither does robbing a bank.

New Beginnings

2011-07-18T15:50:00.004-05:00

Everyone has a journey
Everyone has a path they take
Not everyone enjoys it and not everyone hates it

Every journey taken is different from the next

And at one point in my life I wouldn't have been able to predict where I would be at today
Not even close

That is where all the fun comes in
The not knowing

I could not have imagined being at this spot in my life five years ago
But here I am
In between
Moving to Texas

That is what makes it all the better
Knowing or imagining this time is not as great as the real deal

This point that I am at
You know, the one I never would have been able to predict...

Its being free

New Beginnings

Taking Chances

Stress Free Stress

People

The Sea...

A New Year...

Me

Moving Forward

Curve Balls

11.11.11

Stand in the Cold

Karma

One and the Same

I am Back

Stand Tall

To Know What It Means

friend·ship

Divorce

The Heart Of The Matter

Against All Odds...

Love

Getting To The Truth

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

Signs more typical of younger children

Signs more typical in adolescents

Physical warning signs

Escape

Enjoy Every Bite

Never Ending Ride

Secondary

Is The Church God? Or Is God The Church?

Be.

To Lend A Hand

To Truth

To Live For You

"Going To Church"

You're Not Alone

God's Peace

Random Corn

Its So Easy

Myself

I Will Miss...

Answers

Just A Lil Skeptical

I Can See

The Lizard And The Toad

The Ugly Mirror

To Hear The Truth

My Loves

Moving Forward

Unwritten Rules

Walk of light

Confusion

MINE

It's About Honesty

Getting Settled

Its all relative

They Called Her Crazy...

My Voice

Learning

21 Years

"People Are Crazy"

Realizations

Pros and Cons

Counting Down

Saying Goodbye

Thoughts

New Beginnings